Finally Arrived

A Done Deal

It is done.  Munchkin is officially ours, and we are officially his.  Our adoption was finalized in Sanxx XXXX County Court this week.   Many family and friends were present.  I was so happy, so overjoyed, that I cried during the court hearing. 

The hearing was beautiful.  Our county's juvenile court was finalizing 27 adoptions that day.  All they did all day was adoptions - no other cases.  It was all adoption all the time.  They decorated the courtroom with tons of Christmas decorations and balloons and toys, and put out Christmas cookies and milk.  The bailiff wore a Santa hat and tried very hard to get all the children to smile. 

The hearing took only 5 minutes.  We sat down at a table in front of the judge. She asked if we had both read and understood all the paperwork we had filed earlier.  She then asked us to verbally confirm some of the details.   Then, she had us sign the ADOPT-210 (the Adoption Agreement) in front of her, and then said "Congratulations! You're a family!"  We then did some photos with the judge and with all our family and friends.   

And now he's ours.  I now no longer have to worry what will happen to him if both T & I become incapacitated or die;  he will go to my sister and our families will care for him and see him grow up.  I now know that if Munchkin has some medical issues that we have the final authority to make medical and legal decisions on his behalf.  I now know that if T or I develop some kind of terminal illness that we will still be allowed to be Munckin's parents.  We now have all the rights of biological parents, and it is a bigger relief than I had could have guessed. ( I imagine this is how gay couples feel when allowed to legally married.)

Also, Munchkin is now an American citizen.  But now we go through the paper chase to acquire the documents that prove it.  Apparently it will take a full year for the State of California to issue a "birth" certificate with all our names on it.  So, in the meantime I have to figure out how to obtain the following for Munchkin without it:

1. A US Passport
2. Change his name on his Social Security card
3. A Certificate of Citizenship (USCIS form N-600)
4. Change his name and status on our health insurance

It seems we are never quite done. Alas.

Almost there...

In one short month, Munchkin will forever be ours.  We will legally become a family. He will also become a US Citizen.

We made it through the 6 month post-placement period, enduring 4 social worker visits and numerous episodes of lost post-placement paperwork.  At last our agency has submitted a "Consent to Adopt" to our county court.  Our adoption finalization hearing is scheduled for next month. 

The hearing will only take 10 minutes, but it will be a really big day for all of us.  Both sets of grandparents and numerous aunts and uncles are flying in for the occassion.  And we are going to have a big reception that evening.

Some people don't get why this is such a big deal to us.  After all, Munchkin has been with us and living as our son for 8 months now.  So, let me explain. Right now we are technically only his physical guardians. Our agency is his legal guardian (or something) and has the right to make legal decisions for him. 

So...if something happened to both T and I,  our agency might have another couple adopt Munchkin.  A couple we don't know. And then he might be lost to his cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents forever. 

Another drawback of this guardianship arrangement: it is not clear to me when we can consent to medical treatment.  We've heard contrary things.  We know that if it is an emergency that we can provide consent. But if it is not urgent, then our agency has to give the OK for surgery.

All Munckin's official forms are under his Korean name, and his last name does not match mine or his dad's.  This causes problems when booking airline tickets, securing daycare, getting medical insurance claims paid, you name it.

There's lots more annoyances about the guardianship arrangement. Taken together, they cumulatively create a low-level of constant stress that is always there.  You _think_ you have all the rights of parents, but as a guardian you are never quite sure of where the boundaries are.   I imagine it is similar to how gay couples that want to be married but cannot be married feel.

Can't wait....

And then, as soon as we finalize, we're getting back on this roller coaster again.  We're going to start the homestudy process for kid #2.  Current plan is to go through Korea again, since we had such a wonderful experience.  It will probably take at least 2 years from application to placement this time, so we are going to put in our paperwork asap.

Thank you - The Real Last Post

Hello,

I just realized that I have been quite remiss.  My last two posts answered any last-minute questions prior to my closing down this blog.  BUT I very inappropriately forgot to give a proper goodbye and to say thank you.

Mea culpa. What a wretch I am.

Thank you, all my friends, for all your unfailing support the last two plus years.  I feel so privileged and so lucky to have found this wonderful online community of smart, thoughtful, funny, gorgeous women (and the occasional man) who were walking the same path as I, have the same difficulties and challenges.

I seriously don't know how I would have made it without you.  At times, I felt so low that I did not think I could keep up the pursuit for a family.  During those dark times, you gave me strength and hope. I am certain I would not be holding my Munchkin today without you.

And in response to the comments you all left for me, I thank you so much for your sweet goodbyes. I had no idea that so many of you had been following our journey and at the same time found something to help you in your own story.  I am so blown away by that.  It means a TON to me to know that I made any kind of difference out there.

Thanks again. Thanks for reading. Thanks for writing. Thanks for your love, support, and wisdom. I've learned so much from all of you, most of all that I am not alone and to not be so freakin' judgmental.

I wish I could say something wise and promising to you about how the struggle makes you a better person and how you'll be a better mother because of it. But I don't really think that's true. 

And I can't say that often trotted out pearl of wisdom you'll hear at infertility and adoption conferences, "If you keep trying hard enough and are open to all the options, you will one day be a family." Because I don't think that's true either. Unfortunately, some of us will not ever have children. For some of us, infertility will strain our marriages to the breaking point. For some of us, no treatment will work, and due to health problems in our past or present we will not be allowed to adopt.  For some of us, our status as single people, lesbians or gays  will make it exceedingly difficult - maybe impossible - to find the right situation. For some of us, our financial circumstances will prevent us from putting our extra large hearts to work by parenting a precious child.

I can say this, though. I hope, from the core of my being, that every single one of of you finds your  happy ending.  More than anything I hope this.  I wish it every time I see a shooting star or have the opportunity to blow out candles. You've all been in my thoughts so often these past two years.

I'll wrap with the Irish blessing that my Grandma often recited:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again,
May the Lord Universe hold you in the palm of His  its hand.

 

Final Post (Part 2) - Questions Answered

I was wondering what you have done/plan to do to expose Munchkin to his culture of origin and other cultures in general?

I am taking the lead from my husband, T, on this issue.  He is Japanese American and grew up in an almost exclusively Caucasian area. So, he has some good perspective on this issue.  He believes we should give lots of opportunities for Munchkin to learn about Korea, Japan, and Ireland (my background).  But that if Munchkin is not interested, then we should not force it.

Also, fortunately, we live in the racially diverse San Francisco Bay Area.  I work in a company that is 60% Asian.  Fully half of the adults in our social circle are Asian.  Of the 7 or 8 couples we hang out with on a regular basis, two are Korean couples with boys just a little older than Munchkin.  So, we've already been to a few Baek-Il (100 day) and Tol (1 year birthday) celebrations, so hopefully our friends will coach us through these milestones. 

In short, I hope Munchkin will not feel out of place because of his race, at least in his hometown.  I have no doubt, though, that he will encounter racism in his life, and I hope that T and I are able to equip him with the strength to deal with it.

Will we have any contact with Munchkin's birth parents? 
We asked for contact in our homestudy, but I think the reality is that H01t Korea really does not "get" the open adoption concept.   Their default policies and assumptions is that everyone wants a super-closed adoption. I think a Korean birth mother would have to REALLY, REALLY fight for an open adoption.  We were unable to fight for this contact because his birth parents were out of the picture for over 2 months prior to our receiving a referral, and frankly, we did not want to start a conflict with H01t Korea while we were still in-process.

H01t Korea (which, just to clarify, is NOT Holt International, our US-based agency) is so "closed" oriented that they don't even want us to contact his foster family.  They tried to prevent us from exchanging our real names or other contact information.   Apparently, it is against their policy for us to have direct contact.  They do not know, however, that the foster family slipped us their email address inside one of the gifts they gave us.

I am debating whether to contact the foster family directly or not.  I'd love to send them links to all the online photo albums of Munchkin, something that would be impossible to do in the one "approved" form of communication with the foster family -- the paper letter, forwarded by the agency, with no attachments, no CDs, no supplemental material.  Since we are planning to adopt again with H01t, I am thinking we should not risk violating their policies.

I worry about the very angry Korean adult adoptees and the way they feel about their adoptions. Have you read any of that? How do you feel about it? Has it made any changes in how you expect to parent your son?
I have indeed read the words of angry Korean adoptees. In fact, I am good friends with a formerly angry Korean adoptee.  One thing that makes me less worried is that he and my husband have bonded over their parallel childhood experiences, since both grew up as one of few Asians in primarily Caucasian areas.   And those experiences are the ones that made my friend so angry.  In short, our friend concluded that he was angry because he grew up as a rare minority and lived with a family that essentially denied the existence of the racism he experienced, not because of adoption per se. 

Now, I know that my friend might not be typical.  And that other Korean adoptees are angry about other pieces of the adoption experience. But still, his "former" anger gives me hope.  I hope that growing up in a very racially diverse area with an Asian parent and plenty of Koreans in our social circle will help Munchkin grow up without those experiences.

That's not to say that Munchkin won't one day be angry at us and the world.  He most certainly will be one day, as all adolescents are.  I will not be surprised if he blames his adolescent angst on his adoption, not realizing that if he were not adopted he'd find something else to blame.

The fact is, Munchkin needed parents as much as we needed a child. Korea's culture and societal attitudes made it impossible for Munchkin's birth mother to raise him herself.  We had nothing to do with the formation of those attitudes.  In fact, nothing would make me prouder than if Munchkin one day returned to Korea and worked to eliminate the entrenched sexism in that culture that prevents women from from holding decent-paying jobs or making their own decisions about their own children.

Furthermore, one of the reasons we adopted internationally instead of domestically is that a woman would not feel coerced to relinquish her child to us because she was trying to help us or please us.  We wanted the relinquishment decision to be done before we even came on the scene.  I simply could not live with myself if I thought that somehow I had any part in forcing a mother to part with a child she wanted to parent.

Where did you hear about first moms being holy rollers? 
Honestly, I cannot remember where I heard that. Someone told it to me and I have no idea if it is true or not.  But it does make some sense to me. I think that when confronted with an unwanted pregnancy, women who are religious are more likely to go through with the pregnancy and place the child for adoption instead of having an abortion.

Final Post (Part 1) - Questions Answered

Final post.... Answers to your questions from my previous post.

Will I post again with occasional updates?
Well, that's not the plan, but I suppose it's possible I'll feel like it.  If I do, it'll be on this site with the same RSS feed.  No promises.

How do I like being a mom?
I love it. Munchkin is so good natured, constantly smiling.  But I have to admit that I don't really enjoy being a SAHM.  I enjoy Munchkin and am such a better parent if I am not tethered to him all day and night. Furthermore, Munchkin just lights up when he is with other kids.  So, when I return to work in July, Munchkin will start with a wonderful family daycare.

Is your family complete now?
No, I am finding parenthood to be so much fun that I really want to adopt another. 

Notice I said "adopt" another.  There is absolutely no way that I will pursue infertility treatment for a second.  Even though, through this blog, I've heard of a few possibilities for donor eggs or donor embryos.  And, in fact, on the WAY to KOREA my husband was even saying that he'd want to try for a second via treatment.  But we've been so freakin' delighted with the way that this has all turned out that we will definitely be adopting again. 

Most likely, we will try to adopt from Korea again, starting the process as soon as early 2008.  We were so impressed with the great care Munchkin received there that it makes the decision easy.

So has this whole experience restored your faith in God?  How has it affected your spirituality?

5 years ago, before all this infertility crap, I believed in God, at least as a force in the universe, if not the way any organized religion defines God. 

But you know what, I DON'T believe in God or any greater force anymore, even though I actually WANT to.  Especially because (thus far) everything has turned out so well, I want to believe it was fate or part of some master plan that we be united with Munchkin. 

Truth be told, I think it was all just random.  It was random, crappy odds that I had 6 distinct infertility diagnoses.  And even more random, more crappy odds that I'd suffer two ectopics which would both rupture and require emergency surgery.  And random, though wonderful odds, that we would be matched with Munchkin, an absolutely wonderful baby who fits into our family perfectly. I cannot imagine conceiving or giving birth to a more perfect baby. 

So, no more God for me.

Note that I've been religion-free for much longer, since age 20 or so.  Mainly because virtually every religion out there is just plain old sexist or elitist.  As far as any religion that claims they are the only valid one, well I think that is a bunch of crap; if God is perfect, as most of these religions profess, then he'd be open-minded and forgiving, rewarding good intentions over the semantics of religious ceremonies.  Anyway, I could rant about this for hours.  So I will be responsible and stop this discussion right here.

 

Before I Depart, Are There Any Questions?

Well, that last post seems like the "right" ending to our adoption and infertility saga.

And suddenly, I feel a lot less inspired to blog. We are no longer In a Holding Pattern. We have Finally Arrived. Across the world, we have all found each other, and we are together at last. We are now a family.

And it was worth it. I'd do it all again if I had to.

There is more paperwork and process to go, of course.  Unlike adoptions from China, Korean adoptions do not finalize overseas.  Our adoption of Munchkin will not be finalized until we 1) c0mplete 3-4 post-placement visits and reports that are filed with our agency and the Korean government, and 2) file another slew of paperwork (batch #6, I believe) with our county court in the California.  I updated my blog to-do list on the right with all the new items.  And then, once the adoption is finalized, there is the beaurocratic joy of obttaining Munchkin's US passport, certificate of citizenship, etc...  Fortunately, I am good at paperwork.

And then in a few years, we will start dealing with the aspect of "adoptive parenting" that is different than just plain old parenting.  But for now, it is just generic parenting: feeding, playing, changing diapers, hugging, and  loving. 

But for the most part, our struggle is over.  The story is done. I have little desire to write anymore. I can't see myself becoming a Mommy blogger.  I write when I'm in turmoil.  And right now, I'm just too darn happy.  And incredibly busy.

So, I'm going to put this blog on permanent hiatus.  I'm going to leave it up for a year or so as a resource for anyone who is interested in the adoption process, or who finds support in my infertility-related archives.

I will, however, do one or two more posts to answer any questions you might have about our story.  But no more after that.

So... let me have 'em. What questions do you have for me? (Keep them adoption / infertility related, as this blog is solely devoted to these topics... ).  I will answer them in a final post or two.

...And then my Munchkin, T, and I shall ride off into the sunset... A family, at last.

Denoument

(continued from the last post)

T and I left the H01t office shortly after the foster mother, carrying Munchkin in the baby carrier they provided.  Munchkin didn't cry. In fact, he smiled and cooed and was charming the entire walk back to the Guesthouse and for our entire first hour.

But then all hell broke loose.  Munchkin started wailing, for 2 hours straight.  He screamed so loud his voice was hoarse. We could not figure out what was wrong.  Diaper? Bottle? Wants to be held more closely? Wants to be rocked? Doesn't like being with strangers? Missing his foster mom?

Maybe this was a huge mistake. I still felt the foster mother's grief surround me.  I had no idea what to do.  I felt so inept.  At that moment I wished that someone else would come take care of this kid. Maybe I was not cut out for being a mother. Maybe infertility was nature's way of telling me that, and I had stupidly and brazenly ignored it.

And then we remembered his foster mother said Munchkin liked baths.  So, as a last resort, we plunked him in the baby bath. And all of a sudden he stopped crying.   

Phew.

It was then we realized that poor Munchkin was completely overheated.  He was sweating. A lot.  He was dressed for subway rides and outside walks in freezing degree weather, and we had kept him that way for an hour in a 70 degree bedroom.

Grade for First Test as Parents: D-.

After that it was smooth sailing.  All bottles were consumed diligently.  He was even courteous enough to sleep through the night!

Munchkin smiled and laughed and cuddled and seemed to take to us right away.  He did not seem to miss his foster family.  And this is still true.  He is friendly and happy with basically everyone.  After 4 weeks of being by his side every waking moment, I am still not sure he has any preference for me over anyone else.

I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  Being flirtatious and charming with everyone might mean that he is not attached to anyone, which would make it harder for him to evenutally attach to me and T.  But maybe he's just too young to remember anyone or anything when they are not in his immediate view.  Some say that of object permanence -- understanding that an object is still there even if it is temporarily out of view -- does not happen until babies are 8 to 9 months old.

Anyway, back to Korea...

Typically, H01t wants you to take custody of your child while you are on your way to the airport.  Yup, you heard that right. They want you to take custody and then immediately hop on a transpacific flight with a child you do not even know.   They even pack an in-flight diaper bag (full of diaper, formula, and wipes) for you to take with you.   

H01t likes to do this because of legal and liability concerns.  While in Korea, the legal guardian of the child is still H01t Korea.  But once the baby enters his new country, then the adoptive parents become the legal guardians.

But we opted to not return right away, but to spend two additional days in Seoul in the Guesthouse, and fly home on Sunday.  H01t agreed, provided we did not leave Seoul or do extensive sightseeing.  They wanted us to stick close to the Guesthouse with the baby.

And so we spent the next two days teaching ourselves how to mix formula, give baby baths, change diapers, change baby clothes, trim baby fingernails, use the baby carrier, and make Munchkin smile.  We only left the Guesthouse once -- to take the baby to a nearby park by the river and take some photos. 

In case you were wondering, we had gone grocery shopping at the Hypermarket the day before and thus had enough food for 2 days.  And for Munchkin, H01t gave us 6 days worth of Korean formula. The H01t Guesthouse has a complete kitchen you can use.

And then at last Sunday came.  Our van picked us up, transported us to the airport. We checked in, did our first diaper change in a public restroom, boarded the flight, did our first poopy diaper change (which was MASSIVE) during wicked turbulence in the tiny airplane bathroom, and tried to keep Munchkin entertained or napping on the flight.

He was a great baby.  No crying.  If Munchkin is in the baby carrier, close against you, he is in heaven and doesn't fuss at all.

After 13 hours, we landed, went through the "New Immigrants" line at San Francisco airport and turned over the big, sealed, "do not open" envelope of documents we had been given at the US Embassy earlier that week. 

And that was it.  He was now ours.

And he has been a delight.  I felt emotionally terrible on Friday when we took custody.  But each day after that I felt better. By Tuesday, I was walking on cloud 9.  I was completely in love with Munchkin. 

That said, Munchkin is a very easy baby to love. He is totally easy-going and smiles all the time.  He is curious and energetic (but not TOO energetic).  He loves hanging out in the baby carrier all day long.  He loves snuggling and being close.  He eats well, sleeps well (through the night except for 3 or 4 nights), and is developmentally ahead of his age by about a month. 

And after evaluation by a US doctor, we've confirmed that his congenital heart condition has healed and disappeared (not unusual for a baby under one year of age).   Munchkin now has a perfectly normal heart and he is thriving.  He is 18 lbs 6 oz at one week shy of 6 months.  He has chubby cheeks, a jelly belly, and crazy hair that always sticks straight up in the air.  He coos and giggles when he wakes in the morning, and he roars like a little baby lion when he's playing. His bliss is when you bounce him in your lap or fly him around the room like an airplane.

I am in heaven. I am a mother, at last.  And it is so wonderful to see T as a father.  He is wonderful. It is a side of him I did not know and it is so sweet.

It was all worth it.  All of it.  If I had to do it all over again, I'd do every damn failed cycle, lose both my tubes to ectopics, and wait 5 long years, as long as my Munchkin was at the end of the struggle.

And that's it.  Our saga, our seemingly never-ending quest to become parents, is over.  We now begin a new journey, as parents, as a family.

And now for the photo, which will only be up for an extremely limited time (as in 12 hours or less):

(((Photo has been taken down due to privacy concerns, sorry.)))

Korea - The Big Day

We woke up at 4:30 am on Friday.

"Can you believe they're going to give us a baby?" said T.

Yeah. Wow. In just ten hours, they were actually going to give us a baby to care for and raise as a member of our family.  Giving US a baby.  Didn't they know we were completely unqualified? We never cared for an infant before. We had no experience.

*******

The morning dragged.  We had no desire to go anywhere - we just hung out in the H01t Guesthouse.  Checked the Internet a few times. Watched Desperate Housewives with Korean subtitles. Packed and repacked our bags to go home, now with all the gifts we received from the foster mothers and our Korean souvenirs. We couldn't wait for 2pm.

*******

At 1:45, we left to walk the 2 blocks to the H01t Korea office. This would be the last block we would walk as a mere couple.  The last door we would walk through.

When we arrived, Munchkin was in one of the ground-level playrooms with his foster mother and the social worker. It seemed like they were wrapping up some paperwork. We took final photos together. His foster mother gave us even more gifts - more outfits for Munchkin, all his favorite toys, and a music box.  Over the course of three days, she had given us so many gifts that I was profoundly embarrassed.   I wish I had brought more gifts for her.

His foster mother was so sad. Tears ran down her face, as she silently stroked Munchkin's cheeks and gave him final kisses. She was worried, and gave us lots of final instructions. Make sure we put cream under his knees.  He loves bath time. He needs a bottle in 1 hour, about 5 oz. He doesn't usually cry unless something is wrong.  Make sure we have umbrellas and a hat for Munchkin when we go to the airport on Sunday. Make sure he is bundled up when we go outside.   She cried. I cried.

And then T, who had been out of the room during this entire exchange to pay the bill for the Guesthouse, came back.  He did not realize the emotional scene he walked in on.  He immediately put on the baby carrier that H01t gave us and then put out his hands to pick up Munchkin. The foster mother handed him over reluctantly, and T dropped him into the carrier.

"T, what are you doing?  She isn't ready yet. She hadn't finished saying goodbye!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was time."

T awkwardly tried to give the baby back to hos foster mother for her to hold and snuggle with for just a few more minutes. But it was too late. Too awkward.  She refused. The foster mother stroked Munchkin's cheek one last time. You could then see her gather her resolve; she clearly wanted to stay, but instead she took one last look, said final goodbyes to us,  and then turned and walked out of the H01t office. She did not look back.

It was heartbreaking.  I could feel nothing but her pain and her loss. And that feeling stayed with me the rest of the day.  While I was mentally happy to have Munchkin in my arms, my heart felt sick. I felt so guilty, so sad for the foster mother, and so sad for the birth parents. They all lost so much so that T and I could gain.  Did Munchkin feel lost too?  Was his heart breaking too? 

What I thought would be THE happiest moment, the happiest day was not.  Why wasn't I overjoyed? Did this mean I shouldn't have adopted Munchkin?  Had I made a huge mistake?

Visit to Korea (Day 1 and 2)

OK, back to our first full day in Korea.  By 11am our visit with Munchkin was over.  We would not see him again until the following afternoon.  So, we had time to kill.

So we...

1) Ate Korean barbecue (bulgogi) for lunch at a restaurant around the corner

2) Visited Geyongbok Palace.  Miserable weather -- cold, windy, rain/sleeting -- made this visit less than fun.

3) Went to bed at 6pm (jet lag, ya know?)

Next Morning (Day 2):

1) Found the hypermarket (just as big and modern as Target or Walmart ) in the first level of the World Cup Stadium (3 subway stops from H01t). There, we bought size 3 diapers and a whole bunch of delectible, ready-to-eat sushi lunch for two for just $10.  mmmm.  Oh, did I mention the Starbucks next door?

2) Visited the H01t offices to see Munchkin again., and met his first foster mother, who had cared for Munchkin for the first 3 weeks of his life. Munchkin was born 5 hours from Seould, so at first he was placed in short-term foster care with a family in his birth city.  Then he was transferred to a longer-term foster family in Seoul. 

Munchkin was the 59th baby that his first foster mother had cared for!  But Munchkin had a special place in her heart.  Enough for her to travel the five hours to Seoul just to say goodbye to him and to meet us.

For his second foster mother, the one from Seoul, Munchkin was her seventh foster baby.  For the six prior babies, none of the adoptive parents had traveled to Korea -- we were the first (the other had H01t escorts).  So, she had been very excited and nervous about meeting us.

3) Witnessed Munchkin's pre-flight physical.  The H01t Office has a clinic on the first floor where a doctor and a few nurses work, taking care of the health checkups of all the children in the custody of H01t Korea.

4) Then, after just 20 minutes, we had to rush to our appointment at the US Embassy.  Apparently, Munchkin required a "Class B Waiver" to be filed in order to enter the US. The Class B only applies if the child has medical conditions.  H01t sent a staffer to take escort us to the embassy and sheppard us to the front of the many massive lines outside and inside the embassy.  Thank goodness, because I think all of Seoul was trying to get a visa to the US.  Within about 1.5 hours we were done.  The embassy gave us Munchkin's travel certificate (a one-time use Korean passport) and a manilla envelope filled with immigration documents that we were instructed to not open until the immigration officer at San Francisco aiport did.

5) We then walked around the corner from the US Embassy and visited the Insadong market area and bought some souveneirs.  And yes! Another Starbucks! 

6) Despite copious amounts of caffeine circulating in my bloodstream, we still passed out (jet lag) for the evening at 6pm.

The next day, Day 3, we took custody of our Munchkin!  More details in the next post....

Korea Visit

Hi... long awaited post about our trip to Korea follows. 

It's going to be brief because my hands are really full.  In addition to playing with My Munchkin (new name, seems to fit him better than Sweet Pea) all day, and all night, I am also continuing to supervise electricians and drywall guys for our remodeling project - in progress since our referral, and interrupted by our trip to Korea. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that I am grouting tile, priming walls, putting up moulding, etc... all by myself.  During Munchkin Naps.

OK, stream of consciousness follows... sorry about the lack of editing.

So, we left for Korea 2.5 weeks ago on a Monday afternoon.  Fortunately, from San Francisco there is a non-stop flight to Seoul every day on United Airlines.  It was a 14+ hour flight, but due to a 16 hour time difference, we did not arrive until 6pm on Tuesday.  My husband and I were able to use some of the 300,000+ frequent flyer miles to pay for the tickets.  This was key because frequent flyer tickets are changeable, as long as you maintain the same city-to-city pair.

So, we arrive and Incheon airport in Seoul.  Must say, it has the cleanest restrooms I have ever seen in my life.  Even cleaner than Tokyo. It had those toilet seats that cover themselves with a fresh plastic wrapper. It was practically like a spa.  So exciting.  I sat down and luxuriated for a few minutes after the long flight.

After going through immigration and customs, grabbing our luggage and clearing customs, we found a man waving a sign with our last name.  Our agency, H01t, arranged for a car to pick us up at the airport and take us to the H01t Guest House.  In fact, I am pretty sure that the driver was a H01t employee, since we saw the same guy a few more times during our visit.

Note: If you are adopting from Korea through H01t Korea, I  strongly recommend staying at the H01t Guest House.  The rooms are clean, comfortable, and it is well-located near the subway and Holt. The rooms have cribs and baby baths.  We were so tired when we arrived that we just passed out.

Next morning we walked around the block to the H01t main office.  We tried asking the Security Guard where to go, he asked us what the baby's name was, and as soon as he said it a Korean woman in the lobby spun around to face us.  She started to talk to me in Korean -- I had no idea what she was saying, but I could guess.  In her baby carrier was a smiling little boy, all dressed in red.  I ran over to her (T confirms that, yes, I RAN over without even thinking about it first), saying "Is that him? Is that <INSERT KOREAN NAME HERE>?".  She smiled and nodded yes.  I knelt down to smile at him -- and he looked into my eyes and broke into the biggest grin while reaching his hands out for me.

And that was it. Game Over. Love at first sight for me.

I had not expected our first meeting to be in the lobby.  I had expected something more official, I guess.

The woman was Munchkin's foster mother. She led us upstairs to the H01t Korea offices.  The social worker then came in and translated our conversation.  The foster mother was very sad, but at the same time she was happy for us and for Munchkin. She clearly loves Munchkin dearly, as does her husband and teenage daughters.  She gave us an extensive photo album of Munchin, along with two CDs that contain over 500 photos and 15 video clips.  I was very touched that the foster family had celebrated Munchkin's Baek-il (100-day celebration).  There were many photos of him in his hanbok, and he looked so happy.

I got to hold Munchkin for most of the visit. He is so freakin' adorable it was all I could do to not bite his cheeks.  He is smiley, giggly, and unbelievably cuddly. 

We ATTEMPTED to take many photos, but can you believe that our camera decided to crap out at that exact moment?  ARGH.

Oh, we exchanged gifts.  Lots of gifts.  We gave the foster family the strange assortment of items our agency had suggested: Centrum multi-vitamins, Ghiradelli chocolates, Purell hand sanitizer, San Francisco key chains, and organic honey. And even though the agency had NOT suggested it (probably due to their religious orientation), we also gave a bottle of Johnny Walker Red -- according to our Korean friends, JW is very popular in Korea.

We also gave gifts to the social worker and a basket of chocolate for the office staff.

The foster mother gave us gifts as well.  In addition to the photo album and the CDs, she gave us a hanbok for Munchkin's first birthday celebration, 12(!) baby outfits, some Korean souveneirs, and a music box.

After 1 hour, our visit was over.  Munchkin went home with his foster Mom.  We learned that some of our immigration paperwork was screwed up and we'd have to take care of it at the US Embassy the next day.  And we also learned that the next day, Munchkin's FIRST foster mom (I did not know there were two until that moment) was traveling 4 hours to Seoul to say goodbye to him and to meet us.

OK... kid is crying.  I'll be back in a few days to describe Days 2 and 3 of our trip.

The Struggle Was Worth It

We're back. We've finally landed. We are out of our infinite holding pattern, at last.

We have a son. _I_ have a son. _I_ am a mother. I can't believe it.

He is amazing. He is precious. He is the most beautiful, wonderful baby I have ever seen. He is everything I ever dreamed of and so much more.  We feel so blessed, so lucky.  I am in love. 

He is such a happy baby. He was amazing on the flight home - he never even cried or fussed. He smiles and laughs and coos and melts your heart.  When he looks at me and smiles his big toothless grin, I am overcome and say thank you to God -- the same God I denouced and concluded did not exist after my second ectopic.  Universe, God, or whoever you are... thank you for bringing us together with this beautiful boy. Thank you, so much,  for letting us be his parents.

Becoming a family has been a five year ordeal for T and me -- it was an arduous, wretched, soul-killing, and near-lethal set of experiences. 

But now that we have met our son, we know that it was all worth it.

I am now glad that I was infertile. I am glad that none of the exhaustive treatments worked. Because if they had, I would never have met this unbelievably wonderful child. I would never have been given the chance to become his Mommy. Furthermore, I am pretty sure that nothing in my genetic makeup could have produced a baby like him. And now that I've met him, he is all I've EVER wanted.

I have truly never been so happy.

(I will post more details on the trip to Korea eventually, but my hands are a bit full now... :-) Expect more detail in a week or so...)

Off to Korea

I'm sitting in the plane, ready to take off in minutes for Seoul. In 30 hours we meet our son for the first time. On Friday, he becomes ours. We'll then spend the weekend with him in Seoul and fly home next Monday.

I can't believe this day has finally come. It's here. Wow. At last, life will change. At last. I've been "stuck" so long I can barely comprehend it.

I am nervous, overrjoyed, scared, happy, and disbelieving all at once.

(I will post details about our trip when we return).

Coming in for a Landing

T and I have been trying for a baby for almost 5 years.  We started in early May 2002.

Since then, we've been through 2 ectopic pregnancies, 2 emergency surgeries, 4 failed IVF cycles, 4 failed IUIs, approximately 50 "visits" from the bitch (aka my period), countless medical tests, 120 essay questions, 4 fingerprinting procedures, 3 interviews with our social worker, 4 parenting classes, 4 confusing US-CIS forms, and so many other obstacles that I could go on for days.

In that time, we've watched friends (who claimed to not want children) go from coupledom to being a family of six.  We've watched a friend get married, then divorced, then married again, and then have two kids.   

At the beginning of 2002,  T and his 5 college roommates started a betting pool on who would have kids first.  Everyone picked us.  Five years later, all 5 friends have children.  All but us.

When we started on this journey, September 11 happened just 8 months ago. A large majority of people (not me, not ever) thought the President was doing a good job. The US had not invaded Iraq yet and would not for nearly a year.

So much has changed in the world and in our friends lives in those 5 years.  Yet, my day-to-day life is largely exactly the same as it was back then - same job, same empty house, same husband...  I've been living "In a Holding Pattern," circling above the earth watching indefinitely, desperate to finally land and start living again.

So, I am overjoyed to share this news: We've finally been cleared for landing!  We received our travel call this morning!  Our Sweetpea's papers are all ready. 

We are leaving for Korea next Monday the 19th to meet OUR SON.  We are going to be A FAMILY at last.

Nesting Instinct or No?

OK, for those of you out there with both bio and adopted kids, can you tell me:

Is there a nesting instinct that kicks in for adoptive moms?  Or is this solely a biological phenomenon, brought on by pregnancy hormones?

Because my husband thinks I am officially nuts.  I've been obsessively working on home improvement projects since practically the moment we got our referral.  Except my projects are not of the traditional "I must sterilize this house so no germs touch my baby" variety. No, that would make too much sense.   

My compulsions are not around cleaning my dirty kitchen or even painting the nursery.  I am more than happy to let the dishes rot in the sink for yet another day. They are more around completing every single home improvement project that has ever occurred to me in the 5 years that I've lived in this house.   My compulsions are more of this variety: "I must tear this wall down NOW", "I must tile the floor in our home office", "I must add another circuit to the subpanel," and "I must get a shed in which to hang my garden tools."  And if I'm not frantically working on the project itself, I'm perusing the aisles of Lowes and Home Depot, or I'm researching how to do the next phase of the project on the Internet.  (Yes, my real job has suffered as a result of my obsession.)

Most of these projects have nothing to do with the baby.  They have more to do with just getting the house in order.  The way I always wanted it. 

I rationalize my home improvement obsession by telling myself it's because I don't want to be working on these projects once our son is home -- I want to concentrate just on him and not on hanging dry wall.  Or I delude myself by saying it's because I don't want him exposed to the nasty chemicals I use in these projects nor the dust I create. 

But the truth is, none of these reasons is really THE reason. I am doing these projects because I feel absolutely COMPELLED to do them. I feel like THEY MUST GET DONE before the baby comes home.  I feel a bit of panic at the thought of them NOT getting done.

But since (unlike pregnant women) there is no excess prolactin running around my body, WHY the compulsion?

My husband thinks I have totally flipped.  I am kind of annoyed at him because he has done precious little of the huge list of things that I perceive MUST get done before the baby gets home.  Things he promised to do, like get life insurance, set up a trust, etc...  He is actually a hindrance in helping will home improvement stuff, so I'd actually prefer he stay out of the way and just help me carry some of the heavy things.  But boy, I wish he would do some of the non- home improvement things. If it were even approaching 20% of the effort I am making I would be happier. (not HAPPY, just happiER).   

I mean, I'm the one who's done all our taxes, filed all our adoption paperwork, handled the eff-ups with US-CIS, lined up pre-adopt medical evals for our son, selected and purchased and assembled all the baby gear, signed us up for baby class, taken care of all the family and friend birthdays, done nearly all the household shopping, dealt with subcontractors, researched childcare, etc. 

He annoys me because I feel I am spending every moment to prepare for this huge thing.  I am almost panicking that it won't get done.  Yet, he seems totally unmotivated and I don't get this. I have motivation in spades but lack the time and some of the knowledge to accomplish everything on the list by myself. I wish he would WANT to help out a bit.

But my husband is right -- precious little of this "Must Do" list actually MUST get done before the baby gets home.  Really, the only thing we HAVE to do is buy presents for the Korean foster family and make travel arrangements once we get the call.  Oh, and get a pediatrician. And a pediatric cardiologist.  And line up yet another new day care since I just heard my company is going to move offices to a different city.  And finish up all my stuff at work.  And clean out all the boxes in the attic.  And have the front deck refinished, install new light fixtures throughout the house, steam clean all the upholstery, install a new medicine cabinet, buy new sheets, label all my photo albums, purge my closet of all my infertility-fat clothes, ....

Maybe I really AM crazy.

(Adoption Process Update: We've heard nothing more from anyone since US-CIS approved our I-600.  Now we just wait for the travel call, which could be in 2-3 weeks, or 2-3 months, or longer... who knows?)

It's All Good Now

This is the point in the process where I am glad that we are using a very professional, big adoption agency.  Because they totally saved the day.

As you know from the last post, a week ago the incompetents at US-CIS returned my whole I600 application because I supposedly hadn't paid the fees.  Well, I called our agency first thing on Monday to ask for their help. They knew EXACTLY how to fix the situation and did so within 2 hours flat. 

Before I knew it, a US-CIS person called my cell phone. She  offered to process my application right away, and gave me her personal details so I could send the application directly to her and thus circumvent the morons in the mail room. 

So, I hand-delivered the packet at the US-CIS office on Monday afternoon.  They approved it on Tuesday. I received the approval in the mail on Thursday.

Yeah!  We're back in business.

My agency (H@lt)  ROCKS!  They know exactly who to call in all the US-CIS offices in all of California to resolve eff-ups like this.   They also did it for one of my adoption class buddies, who was also being screwed by US-CIS.

As far as adoption agencies go, H@lt doesn't have the fastest application to referral time period,  but gosh the process has gone smoothly because they know how to do this inside and out.

They've also been outstanding in terms of getting us extra medical information about Sweetpea's heart condition. They have gone above and beyond.

Yeah. We might actually meet our future SON (wow!) in 6 weeks or so!!!

Now if I only I could finish my remodeling project so that we can convert my home office into the baby's room...  I'm trying to "finish" my unfinished basement so I can move my desk and work stuff down there. So, I'll be up to my eyeballs in concrete, floor leveling compound this weekend.  Plus I have to finish framing out the walls.  Next weekend, I'll be doing the floor tile and electrical work. And the following weekend, drywall and moulding. The next weekend will be painting and hanging shelving.

Busy, busy.
And YES I do all this stuff myself. Hubby is very little help in this department mostly due to a complete lack of interest. As an engineer, I really get into figuring out how to do stuff like this and he does not. He helps out by  having a nice meal prepared for me when I emerge each night from the bowels of our basement.

I Am Freakin' Pissed Off

Fucking US-CIS.  Incompetent a-holes.

They fucking kicked back our entire I-600 form - returned it with all forms and supporting documentation.  The reason was that we supposedly "failed to pay the $545 application fee plus $140 in fingerprinting fees". 

Fuckers. We paid those huge fucking fees last May when we applied for our I-600A form. We are not supposed to have to pay them again.  Their own freaking documentation states it extremely clearly.

Incompetents. Truly.  In our cover letter, I even said "We received approval of our I-600A form in May 2006, and have enclosed a copy of our approved I-171H form."  So, I really don't know HOW THEY COULD HAVE FUCKED THIS UP.

Idiots.

I filed this fucking application 3 weeks ago. And today the entire goddamn packet is returned to me.  And I have no idea how to get them to not fuck this one up again. Do I have to file a protest or something?  Argh!

IDIOTS are costing me time with my son.  Their incompetence has probably delayed our entire process by three weeks or more (we'll see how long it takes to resolve this).   Three weeks longer to see our son.

I am LIVID.

A Weight Lifted

About 16-17 years ago, my aunt and uncle started the process of adopting a 5-year old girl from Romania. 

The Cold War had just ended and the world discovered - and was aghast - at the horrible living conditions in Romanian orphanages.  My aunt and uncle wanted to help a child in that predicament, but they were also motivated by a desire to give my cousin what she begged for every morning, noon, and night of every day: a little sister.  They had suffered secondary infertility for 6 years and at age 45 and had few other options remaining.

And so they began the adoption process. 

And I don't remember too much details, because I was only 20 at the time and WAY into my own self-obsessed zone (aka "college").  But I do remember this:  my mother was very against it. She did not hesitate to badmouth  my aunt and uncle's choice to adopt from Romania at every opportunity, although ALWAYS behind their back.  Sweet as pie to their faces, a real bitch behind the scene. 

She'd say how the kid was bound to have a lot of "problems" and that my aunt and uncle would be totally out of their depth -- no way they could handle a child like that. She'd go on and on about how my aunt and uncle were too old to parent a child. That Romania was a poor choice. That the child was too old.  It wouldn't be fair to their biological child. And more and more....

I remember being stunned by what my Mom was saying, and disgusted. I took her to task for it, in the way that only a self-important, know-it-all teenager could.  She did not yield, though (she never does).  At the end of the argument, I was left with the impression that Mom did not approve of adoption in general, that she thought it was unnatural.

I've carried those memories with me all those years.  As we've gone through this adoption process, I've worried that my Mom (and Dad) would not accept our child as a "full-fledged grandchild."  That our child would not be celebrated or doted upon like my 1.5 year old biological niece.

My fears were partially realized when I announced that we had completed our home study, and my Mom said, "That's great. Hey, did you hear that Libby is remodeling her kitchen?"  I am sure that is not the enthusiastic reaction she had when my brother and SIL announced their pregnancies (before the pee stick even dried, of course).

But these days I feel better.   I had emailed the referral pictures of our son to Mom (who lives across the country), and she made several copies on her color printer. One is now framed and sits proudly on her fireplace mantel.  One is framed and on her desk at work.  And one is laminated and in her wallet so she can flash it at her friends.  And yes, like the stereotypical grandma, she entraps strangers on the commuter train with photos and tales of our adoption.

I pity the strangers, but am otherwise overjoyed.   I'm so excited that she's excited.  Sweetpea will have "full-fledged grandparents."

Another Question for Ye

How does this social security number thing work with kids adopted from Korea, whose adoptions won't be finalized (and therefore they won't be US citizens) until 6 months after placement?

Before we leave for Korea, we're trying to get life insurance in place to provide for Sweetpea if one/both of us kicks it.  But apparently you can't name a beneficiary that does not have a social security number. 

Same thing applies to designating a beneficiary for our IRAs and 401Ks.  Need a social security number.  Kid won't have one.  Hmmph.

Batch 5 is Done

Another adoption hurdle passed this week....

We filed our I-600 form  (petition to classify an orphan as a member of our immediate family) with US-CIS this week.    That form, of course, required another mountain of documents to go with it.

So, we've now completed Batch 5 of  the adoption paperwork .  Yes, batch FIVE.  In case you've lost track of all the paperwork:

• Batch 1:   Initial application for adoption agency
• Batch 2:   Formal application and homestudy
• Batch 3:   US-CIS  I-600A form
• Batch 4:   Referral acceptance paperwork
• Batch 5:   US-CIS I-600 form
  

Best of all, I think there is no Batch 6 prior to traveling to Korea. I suspect, however, that once in Korea there will be a Batch 6.  And that Batches 7, 8, 9, and so on will happen once we get back home.  Fortunately, I am very good at paperwork. I'm one of those weirdos who actually does not mind doing her own taxes.

Everyone, start chanting for us.... Send good vibes to the US-CIS office in San Francisco.  Send mental images of our envelope floating to the top of pile, and the adoption officer immediately tackling it, finding everything in order, and dispatching a speedy approval.  Dare I hope for within 2-3 weeks?

If You've Adopted from Korea, I have a question for you...

I have a question for all of you US residents who have adopted from Korea...

Do you know what my employer's health insurance company will require in order to add Sweetpea to our coverage (Blue Cross Blue Shield)?

My HR department says the insurance company will need a copy of our "adoption papers."  Despite my requests, they have not yet clarified which portion of the large mountain our adoption-related papers and forms they are talking about. Surely, they don't want all of it.

I'm asking people who adopted from Korea specifically because unlike most adoptions, Korean adoptions are not finalized until 6 months after you take the child home.  Until that time, our agency is technically the guardian of the child.  I suspect this "guardian but not a guardian" status complicates things a bit.

My HR department also tells me that our baby is covered under my employer's insurance once I "have the right to control his healthcare."  But I don't think I truly WILL be able to control all his healthcare until the adoption is finalized.

If someone can explain to me how this works, I'd be very grateful.

Thanks.