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Apr 24, 2005

Comments

InSpring

Susan,

You truly have experienced more than the universe should drop on anyone. Time to mourn and heal is not a bad option.

Acupuncture is very good for depression and for rebalancing your body/hormones. I was just reading that it actually works as well as antidepressants and w/out the sexual side effects. Exercise is suppose to work as well as antidepressants too - the aerobic kind.

Yoga is also very good for healing the spirit and the body and finding some peace.

I think therapy can be great. However, it's also important to get blood work done to see if you have any physical imbalances causing your symptoms (as if you need more of that testing either).

Sending healing thoughts your way.

Julianna

Susan, it is so very difficult and you have been through so much. I have to feel my feelings when I feel them, even though it is painful, it helps me.

If my final IVF fails (I'll know in a week), that is going to be my struggle. How do I get out of that hole and carry on with my life. This is it for us. The end of my journey.

Having a plan is always helpful.

I wish you felt better. Thinking of you.

Blue

What InSpring said.

I felt that depression in the spring of 04 when I thought DH and I were both on the band wagon to start trying and he decided he wanted to wait. I was crushed. I grieved for weeks, for the children I wouldn't have and for the lost opportunity and hope. I was open with friends and family about my depression and the reason for it. I did not hide my pain from my husband. He needed to see that while I would follow his wish to wait, it was killing me inside.

I wish there was some simple way to make you feel better. I hope you feel your grief and heal and are able to move forward slowly but surely. It is also possible that your husband won't wait the entire 6 months. Maybe he just needs a bit of a break to get his engines fired up again.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Wavery

Therapy is hard and worth it.

Letting your husband know where you are is also worth it. But of course you may need therapy in order to articulate that.

I'm sorry you two are not in exactly the same place. That is one of the most alienating, difficult parts of marriage. Hoping it's not a long time.

Danielle

I have no words of wisdom for you, but wanted to let you know I'm here if you want to talk. Recently, my husband and I were on different pages too. He finally did some research on his own and came to the realization that waiting wasn't going to get us any closer to the goal. I'm not in the same boat as you, but wanted to let you know I understand the frustration when the husband is not on the same page. I was depressed and bitter and kept all that inside. I started a journal and the blog soon followed. Talking about it helps. It helps to talk about it with each other too. The reasons your husband has for waiting are valid, but just because his are valid doesn't make yours mute.

My only recommendation is to continue talking about it. Maybe instead of waiting 6 months, you could wait one. Tell him to research your reasons for wanting to proceed sooner rather than later (eg, high FSH doesn't decrease over time). Maybe if he comes to the conclusions on his own, he will change his mind.

Thalia

I think you've received sound advice here, forgive me as I think I'll say nothing that others have not already offered.

The two things I wanted to say:

It's ok to be sad. It's ok to try not to be sad too, but the last thing you need is to beat yourself up about something you already feel bad about.

The second thing, is does T really know how you feel and does he understand the FSH data? It took 8 months of us not really trying last year before I got the courage to really tell my husband how stressed out I was and how dumb I thought this approach was. Once I did that, he got serious about trying. He honestly had not really understood either the data or how I felt. It might be worth a try with T?

I wish I could make you feel better, but just know that I am thinking of you.

Jenn

I could have written this last month. It hit so close to home it made me cry. My suggestions would have been therapy and drugs. I'm sure you know the drugs can take 2-4 weeks to really kick in though. After our last IUI failed, I wanted to jump right back in. Hubby however needed a break. I needed one too, I just didn't know it. We took one cycle off and it helped more than anything. Also reducing stress in other areas of your life helped me. For me it was quitting my job.

Megan

This is the first time I've read your blog, and this post made me cry. I feel like I could have written it.
I'm in a similar situation, but I just made my first therapy appointment yesterday. And I have an appointment this afternoon for a physical and will be asking for a Zoloft prescription.
I'm sorry I don't have any wise suggestions to offer, I'm still trying to fight my own way out of the hole.
But I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

Anna H.

Oh, Susan, I know so well how hard it is to be in that kind of limbo and to feel like your partner is in a different place; I also know the kind of depression that that limbo can engender... I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low.

The lovely women above have great suggestions and I'd like to chime in on seconding the two that have worked for us: acupuncture really helped me to feel more 'in balance' again, while therapy and Paxil have helped my husband enormously.

Please know that we are all here for you.

xxoo

Tammy Krantz

I too have the same problem as you but unfortunately i just found out about it at the age of 38. My doctor has not offered me a lot of hope and wants me to go the way of donor eggs. However, i just read something on a website that might be of interest to you. Go to www.centerforhumanreprod.com/premature_ovaries.html and view what this center has to say about this phenomenom..

The comments to this entry are closed.

Adoption To-Do's

  • 

    Total Expenses So Far: $21,531

    Select country (Korea) (11/14/05)

    Select agency (11/17/05)

    Tell our families

    Receive preliminary application

    Preliminary App filed (12/5/05):

    • Fill in application
    • Photo of us, photo of house
    • Write medical statement, elaborating on treatment for depression
    • Line up four non-relative references
    • One copy of tax returns from past three years
    • Pay $200 fee
    • Notarized adoption services agreement $10
    • Fedex to Agency $15

    Receive Big App (12/15/05)

    Receive Korea Adoption Guidebook

    Home Study Paperwork: (1/19/06)

    • S: Complete "Personal Data" form with 67 essay questions
    • S: 1 photocopy birth certificate
    • S: Complete Authorization of Release of Information - Employer Verification
    • S: Criminal Record Statement
    • S: LiveScan fingerprint form (for State of California: criminal and child abuse index)
    • S: Schedule LiveScan fingerprinting appointments
    • S: LiveScan fingerprints done, pay $65
    • S: Medical Exam, including HIV and TB tests
    • S: Medical Report filled out by doctor
    • T: Complete 51 essay question "Personal Data" form
    • T: 1 photocopy birth certificate
    • T: Complete Authorization of Release of Information - Employer Verification
    • T: Criminal Record Statement
    • T: LiveScan fingerprint form (for State of California: criminal and child abuse index)
    • T: Schedule LiveScan fingerprinting appointments
    • T: LiveScan fingerprints done, pay $65
    • T: Medical Exam, including HIV and TB tests
    • T: Medical Report filled out by doctor
    • Complete detailed Financial Statement
    • 1 photocopy marriage license
    • Photo of baby's room
    • Map & directions to home
    • Copy all, keep for records
    • FedEx packet to agency, $15 (1/12/06)
    All 4 non-relative references return 3-page, 10-essay questionnaires directly to agency (1/28/06)

    Home Study Part 2: (4/3/2006)

    • Receive & pay invoice for home study $3066 (2/1/06)
    • Schedule social worker visits (2/10/06)
    • Childproof house (smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, outlet covers) $40
    • Social worker visit #1 (joint) (2/21/06)
    • Acceptable Medical Conditions Form (2/27/06)
    • From that details how "open" an adoption we are willing to consider  (2/27/06)
    • Social worker visit #2 (S only) (2/28/06)
    • Social worker visit #3 (T only) (2/28/06)
    • Sign up for module 1 & 2 of parenting class
    • Book travel for parenting class in Southern California
    • Modules 1 & 2 of agency parenting class (in SoCal) $500 (1/21/06)
    • Receive 2 completed, certified, notarized copies of Home Study (4/3/2006)

    Agency sends Home Study to Korea (HSTK) (4/7/2006)

    Sign up for modules 3 & 4 of agency parenting class

    Take modules 3 & 4 of agency parenting class (4/9/06)

    I-600A filed with US-CIS (Advanced Processing of Orphan Petition for Visa) (4/6/2006):

    • I-600A form
    • Copy certified Home Study
    • S: Photocopy of birth certificate
    • T: Photocopy of birth certificate
    • Photocopy of marriage license
    • Copy of most recent federal tax return
    • Proof of medical insurance
    • $545 fee + $140 for FBI fingerprints = $685
    • Cover letter
    • Copy all for records
    • Mail to US-CIS San Francisco

    FBI Fingerprinting:

    • US-CIS acknowledges receipt of I-600A (4/12/06)
    • FBI Fingerprinting appt. scheduled (different than LiveScan fingerprints)
    • FBI Fingerprinting completed, for each (4/28/06)

    Receive I-171H (Approval of I-600A) (5/11/06)

    Pick baby name

    Arrange for medical evaluation of referral

    Receive Referral (12/29/06)

    • Child's presentation letter
    • Child's information
    • Photographs
    • Medical records
    • Confidential background information

    Medical evaluation of Referral by Oakland Children's Hospital (1/10/2007)

    File Referral Acceptance Paperwork: ($140 + $12) (1/6/2007)

    • Child Information Transmittal
    • Pay invoice for $17,500
    • 3 Placement Agreements - all notarized
    • T: 4 Statements of Adoption (for child's Korean passport) - all notarized
    • 3 Travel Option forms
    • 1 Foreign Travel Release - notarized
    • T: 2 Affidavit re INS Vaccination Requirements
    • T: 2 I-864 Affidavit of Support for Immigration
    • S: 2 I-864A Contract between Sponsor and Household Member
    • Copy of entire last year tax return, with ALL attachments
    • Copy of all last year W-2 and 1099 forms
    • T: Photocopy of birth certificate (again)
    • S: Photocopy of birth certificate (again)
    • T: Copy of 2006 paystubs
    • S: Copy of 2006 paystubs
    • Photocopy of marriage license (again)
    • Photocopy everything for records
    • FedEx to agency (1/6/2007)

    Receive child's "legals" from Korea (in English & Korean): (1/22/2007)

    • Affirmation and Oath Certificate (attests these documents are true and correct)
    • Certificate of the Guardian (certifies Korean agency was guardian)
    • Statement of Guardianship (transfers guardianship from Korean agency to American agency)
    • Extract of Family Register (birth certificate equivalent)

    I-600 visa petition form filed w/ US-CIS: (1/25/2007)

    • I-600 form
    • Copy of I-171H
    • Copies of child's legals
    • Originals of child's legals, with note and SASE envelope requesting they be returned
    • Copy of child report
    • Copy of child photos
    • Copy of most recent 1040 tax form
    • Copy of I-864
    • Copy of I-864A
    • Letter with visa cable instructions
    • Fedex to US-CIS San Francisco $25

    Meanwhile, the Korean agency works away:

    • Our application is translated
    • Korean agency applies for Emigration Permit with Korean Ministry of Health and Welfare
    • Ministry approves Emigration Permit (aka "EP")
    • Agency gets I-171 (I-600 approval) cable from US Embassy in Seoul
    • Baby tested for Hepatitis B & HIV
    • Visa physical for baby
    • Submit application for baby's IR-4 Visa

    Resubmit our I-600 visa petition after US-CIS screws up (2/9/2007)

    Buy baby gear (3/17/07)

    Baby CPR & safety class (2/17/07)

    Line up a regular pediatrician (3/5/07)

    Line up a pediatric cardiologist (3/14/07)

    Investigate childcare options (3/17/07)

    Line up Daycare (5/25/07)

    Get on preschool waiting list (1/5/07)

    Setup nursery(3/19/07)

    Get life insurance for both

    Write wills with statements of guardianship wishes (both)

    Set up trust

    S: Get pre-approval family leave with HR (1/24/2007)

    Buy gifts for foster family, Korean agency staff (3/16/07)

    Make travel arrangements to Korea ($185 plus 240,000 frequent flyer miles) (3/13/07)

    Wrap-up job for a 15-week leave (3/12/07-3/16/07)

    Finalize leave plans with HR (3/15/07)

    Travel to Korea (3/19/07 - 3/25/07)

    • Meet both foster mothers (3/21/07, 3/22/07, 3/23/07)
    • In-Korea pre-flight medical exam (3/22/07)
    • Go to US Embassy in Seoul to process Class-B Waiver (acceptance of medical condition) 3/22/07
    • Get the final Visa paperwork (3/22/07)
    • Take custody of child! (3/23/07)
    • Long plane ride back to USA (3/25/07)

    USA Medical Evaluations

    • Add baby to my health insurance (3/28/07)
    • Evaluation by regular pediatrician (3/30/07)
    • US immunizations (3/30/07)
    • Evaluation by pediatric cardiologist (4/18/07)
    Receive Placement Confirmation Notice from Agency (3/28/06)

    Receive baby's Green Card in mail (4/16/07)

    Get social security number under baby's Korean Name as permanent resident (4/27/07)

    Receive post-placement packet in mail from Agency(4/15/07)

    Post-placement visits from social worker: (9/12/07)

    • Visit #1 (4/28/07)
    • Visit #2 (6/30/07)
    • Visit #3 (7/26/07)
    • Visit #4 (9/12/07)

    Create and file child "progress reports" with 8-18 photos each, for Korean agency and government, and a letter with photos for foster family (9/12/07)

    • 1-month progress report (4/28/07)
    • 3-month progress report (6/30/07)
    • 4-month progress report (7/26/07)
    • 6-month progress report (9/12/07)

    File US Physician's Examination Report with Agency (4/17/07)

    File Adoption Finalization Paperwork in our county in California (5/1/07) ($20)

    • Form ADOPT-200 (Adoption Request) (5/1/07)
    • Form ADOPT-210 (Adoption Agreement) (5/1/07)
    • Form ADOPT-215 (Adoption Order) (5/1/07)
    • Form ADOPT-230 (Adoption Expenses) (5/1/07)

    RE-File Finalization Paperwork the State changed in July '07 (ARGH!) (11/13/07)

    • Form ADOPT-210 (Adoption Agreement) (11/13/07)
    • Form ADOPT-215 (Adoption Order) (11/3/07)

    Finalize Adoption in County Court

    • Receive "Consent to Adoption" from agency (11/2/07)
    • Schedule court hearing (coming in December '07!)
    • Adoption finalization court hearing (Munchkin is now a US citizen, and his American name is now his legal name!)
    • Have a HUGE Party to celebrate!
    • Send agency/Korea copy of child's adoption decree (child is no longer considered a Korean citizen)
    • Send adoption announcements

    Secure proof of US citizenship for child:

    • Complete & file N-600 with US-CIS, pay fee
    • Receive Certificate of Citizenship
    • File passport application
    • Receive passport
    • Apply to SSA to get status changed from resident alien to citizen, SS# name changed (passport is proof)

    Start the process all over again for kid #2!