Indefinitely On Hold

T and I have been trying to start our family for 3 years. We have endured 3 IUIs, 2 IVFs, 2 ruptured ectopic pregnancies, 3 operations, endless tests, and the complete loss of dignity and a fulfilling sex life.

I just had the most recent operation a month ago and I am ready to try again in May with at least an FET cycle (I have 1 frozen embryo) or perhaps another IVF attempt.  Fortunately, we are not financially constrained, as we have full coverage, including drugs, for 2 more IVF attempts (we are very lucky).

Nevertheless, my husband is worn out by the endless treatments with no results. He wants to take an indefinite amount of time off - at least 6 months, maybe more - before starting up again. He says that we need time to grieve our losses and to regain our marriage. We are both depressed and our relationship has suffered under all the stress.  He is probably right. We have been through a lot and need to recover. 

However, I cannot imagine putting this process on hold indefinitely. Because I have high FSH and am a very poor responder to fertility drugs, I feel that time is running out very quickly. At age 34, my ovaries are prematurely aged to the point where being blasting them with the max allowed dosage of Gonal-F every day for two weeks did nothing. Who knows if I have enough time left to take a break for an indefinite amount of time? Every cycle is precious and I do not want to waste them.

I cannot proceed in this process without T, though. He wants to wait, so wait we shall.

But the waiting has thrown me into a severe depression. Since T put on the brakes 3 weeks ago, I am perpetually tired yet can hardly sleep, and when I do I have nightmares. I feel aimless and like my life has no meaning. I feel like I am losing everything important to me and that I have nothing to look forward to in life anymore. Every night I feel like shit and go to bed, thinking that with a good night's sleep, things will look better in the morning. That there is no way I could continue to feel this grim, that this too shall pass. But it keeps dragging on and on. I look out to the future and don't see a time when my life will get better, when I will be out of this hole. A time when I will be able to really _start_ my life.

Every mother I know says that their children give them real fulfillment and purpose in life. That they would not give up a single second of their childhoods. That raising kids is the most important thing they do with their life, that the love you give and receive is far beyond what you could comprehend without having experienced it.  That it makes life worth living. I know that it would be the same for me. Without that purpose, I feel like my "real", authentic life hasn't really started yet.

I'm at the starting line and tensed up and waiting the starting blocks - having done all the preparation to get me to this point.  But yet the damn gun never seems to go off. And I am left watching other people start their "real" lives - out there with meaning, love and fulfillment. I don't think it will be easy, but I think that being a mother would be the most important and fulfilling thing I could ever do with my life.

I dream of seeing our child’s first smile and hearing his first laugh, which I am sure will sound just like T's. I dream of taking our daughter to the park and putting her in the swing, of watching our son play soccer, of giving our daughter a hug and a kiss when she falls and gets a scrape on her knee, of teaching our son  to read and to love books and learning, of seeing my husband's trademarked look of intensity  on the face of our daughter as she learns how to ride a bike. 

For the past three years, these images have sustained me. The current cycle or circumstances might not have been going well, but I was confident that someday, somehow we would have kids.  It gave me hope.  There was always something to look forward to. Another attempt to look forward to, another procedure, another adoption talk or information session on surrogacy.  All things that would put us further along the path to our family.

In some ways, the 2nd ectopic and having my tubes removed were a relief because I felt like it was at least putting us closer to finally having that family.  Less options to try meant less time before we finally ended up on the path right for us.

I felt like 2005 would be the year when we finally resolved how we were going to start this family. I would prefer biologic children because I want to experience every second of their lives, but if it wasn't going to happen, I wanted to be done with it in 2005 and have moved on.

But now, where are we? In a nowhere-land, someplace where we wish we were not but cannot seem to leave. Waiting and waiting and waiting for life to begin, in what seems to be a permanent holding pattern.

Does anyone out there have suggestions on getting out of this hole? (Last week, I started taking anti-depressants and seeing a therapist.)

Comments

[InSpring]

Susan,

You truly have experienced more than the universe should drop on anyone. Time to mourn and heal is not a bad option.

Acupuncture is very good for depression and for rebalancing your body/hormones. I was just reading that it actually works as well as antidepressants and w/out the sexual side effects. Exercise is suppose to work as well as antidepressants too - the aerobic kind.

Yoga is also very good for healing the spirit and the body and finding some peace.

I think therapy can be great. However, it's also important to get blood work done to see if you have any physical imbalances causing your symptoms (as if you need more of that testing either).

Sending healing thoughts your way.

[Julianna]

Susan, it is so very difficult and you have been through so much. I have to feel my feelings when I feel them, even though it is painful, it helps me.

If my final IVF fails (I'll know in a week), that is going to be my struggle. How do I get out of that hole and carry on with my life. This is it for us. The end of my journey.

Having a plan is always helpful.

I wish you felt better. Thinking of you.

[Blue]

What InSpring said.

I felt that depression in the spring of 04 when I thought DH and I were both on the band wagon to start trying and he decided he wanted to wait. I was crushed. I grieved for weeks, for the children I wouldn't have and for the lost opportunity and hope. I was open with friends and family about my depression and the reason for it. I did not hide my pain from my husband. He needed to see that while I would follow his wish to wait, it was killing me inside.

I wish there was some simple way to make you feel better. I hope you feel your grief and heal and are able to move forward slowly but surely. It is also possible that your husband won't wait the entire 6 months. Maybe he just needs a bit of a break to get his engines fired up again.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

[Wavery]

Therapy is hard and worth it.

Letting your husband know where you are is also worth it. But of course you may need therapy in order to articulate that.

I'm sorry you two are not in exactly the same place. That is one of the most alienating, difficult parts of marriage. Hoping it's not a long time.

[Danielle]

I have no words of wisdom for you, but wanted to let you know I'm here if you want to talk. Recently, my husband and I were on different pages too. He finally did some research on his own and came to the realization that waiting wasn't going to get us any closer to the goal. I'm not in the same boat as you, but wanted to let you know I understand the frustration when the husband is not on the same page. I was depressed and bitter and kept all that inside. I started a journal and the blog soon followed. Talking about it helps. It helps to talk about it with each other too. The reasons your husband has for waiting are valid, but just because his are valid doesn't make yours mute.

My only recommendation is to continue talking about it. Maybe instead of waiting 6 months, you could wait one. Tell him to research your reasons for wanting to proceed sooner rather than later (eg, high FSH doesn't decrease over time). Maybe if he comes to the conclusions on his own, he will change his mind.

[Thalia]

I think you've received sound advice here, forgive me as I think I'll say nothing that others have not already offered.

The two things I wanted to say:

It's ok to be sad. It's ok to try not to be sad too, but the last thing you need is to beat yourself up about something you already feel bad about.

The second thing, is does T really know how you feel and does he understand the FSH data? It took 8 months of us not really trying last year before I got the courage to really tell my husband how stressed out I was and how dumb I thought this approach was. Once I did that, he got serious about trying. He honestly had not really understood either the data or how I felt. It might be worth a try with T?

I wish I could make you feel better, but just know that I am thinking of you.

[Jenn]

I could have written this last month. It hit so close to home it made me cry. My suggestions would have been therapy and drugs. I'm sure you know the drugs can take 2-4 weeks to really kick in though. After our last IUI failed, I wanted to jump right back in. Hubby however needed a break. I needed one too, I just didn't know it. We took one cycle off and it helped more than anything. Also reducing stress in other areas of your life helped me. For me it was quitting my job.

[Megan]

This is the first time I've read your blog, and this post made me cry. I feel like I could have written it.
I'm in a similar situation, but I just made my first therapy appointment yesterday. And I have an appointment this afternoon for a physical and will be asking for a Zoloft prescription.
I'm sorry I don't have any wise suggestions to offer, I'm still trying to fight my own way out of the hole.
But I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

[Anna H.]

Oh, Susan, I know so well how hard it is to be in that kind of limbo and to feel like your partner is in a different place; I also know the kind of depression that that limbo can engender... I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low.

The lovely women above have great suggestions and I'd like to chime in on seconding the two that have worked for us: acupuncture really helped me to feel more 'in balance' again, while therapy and Paxil have helped my husband enormously.

Please know that we are all here for you.

xxoo

[Tammy Krantz]

I too have the same problem as you but unfortunately i just found out about it at the age of 38. My doctor has not offered me a lot of hope and wants me to go the way of donor eggs. However, i just read something on a website that might be of interest to you. Go to www.centerforhumanreprod.com/premature_ovaries.html and view what this center has to say about this phenomenom..