I need a mental vacations from my barren, childless life. Because I have low self-esteem and am, in my heart, an irredeemable slut, I find myself daydreaming about my "glory days" as a college sorority girl. Ah, how fondly I recall singing poetic songs declaring devotion to a random combination of Greek letters:
Eczema Krappa, I love you.
Eczema Krappa, I'll be true.
Eczema Krappas are well-to-do and proud,
Always demure and never too loud.
Singing was only part of the fun. I formed a special bond with my Big Sister, a pretty yet sadistic upperclassman. She would savagely whoop my ass with a wooden paddle, emblazoned with Eczema Krappa symbols, whenever I gained weight, flubbed up sorority song lyrics, or fooled around with a dormitory boy.
My sorority also freed me from the debilitating tedium of selecting my own clothing; four days out of five my wardrobe was dictated by the whims of the Eczema Krappa Sisterhood Committee. Not that I minded. The thrill of wearing my acid-washed, pink sweatshirt adorned with maroon Greek letters around campus! From the reactions of fraternity members, you'd think my bosom had grown two cup sizes and that I'd lost 6 inches from my waist. Such is the reaction when displaying the equivalent of "I Suck Frat Boys" on one's clothing.
Anyway, this is an infertility blog, so you may be wondering how I'll tie such fond memories to my present crap-ass circumstances. Well, I plan to actually relive my sordid sorority past.
As some of you might know, A (wife of Baby Hungry Man) and I are starting a new mid-life sorority called Tau Phi Beta, also known as Tube Free Babes. To pledge, you must first be a Sizzlin' Hot Babe (or at least Gorgeous & Divine). Second, you must suffer from tubal infertility, either possessing blocked fallopians or missing a tube or two. If you have endured surgeries for these problems, we consider that hazing enough; you can bypass the brutal and humiliating pledge phase and be initiated as a full Sister immediately.
For those who do not meet this strict criteria, but who wish to pal around with The Sisters and assist with social mixers, you may join the "Tau Phi Little Sisters" auxiliary group. This program is unique in the Greek realm, in that "Littles" are not expected to mop the floors after ragin' keggers or be sexually available whenever Tau Phis want to experiment; merely commenting on Sisters' blogs will suffice.
A is busy working on the new Tau Phi secret handshake (also known as The Grip back in my Eczema Krappa days). As for me, I already described the premier benefit of sorority sisterhood: prancing about in garments donned with Greek insignia. So, I have started on some T-shirt designs. These are working drafts only, so let me know your suggestions.
First up we have a treat for the traditionalist: "TFB: Sterile and Sanitary" in back-to-basics white cotton, with long sleeves. Ho, ho--"sterile"--get it?
Our second design is "TFB: No Boobs, No Tubes" on a baseball shirt. Please, only for the less endowed sorority Sisters, such as myself. The red sleeves symbolize Tau Phi Beta's bloody history, littered with ruptured ectopics and dysfunctional uterine bleeding.
The third T-shirt declares tubes the unnecessary accessory organ of the new millennium. Witness "TFB. Tubes: The New Appendix," on a slinky, short-sleeved T-shirt. Available in 100% cotton, in butter-cream yellow or chartreuse green.
Next up, replace those Grandma-esque "Period Panties" with 100% Tube-Free sorority knickers! For Sisters who still have their uterus, how about the "100% Tube Free: Yes, I still get my period" variation (only available in stain-hiding black)? For those with a hysterectomy, "100% Tube & Womb Free: No More Bloody Messes" is available in luscious petal pink.
Please excuse the manequin lingerie model for not exhibiting the laparoscopic/laparotomy scars shared by many of our Sisters. Our brother fraternities find the scars sexy - honest! Nevertheless, how I wish these were photos of my ass. I'd even tolerate the plastic skin if my thighs didn't touch when standing with my feet apart.
Anway, later I will try to think of some designs for Little Sisters. Let me know your thoughts.
And let me know if you want to pledge (if so, please list your qualifications).
Until then, may you have sweet Tau Phi Beta dreams!
Hugs and Baby Dust (giggle giggle),