Confessions of an Infertile Sorority Chyck

I need a mental vacations from my barren, childless life. Because I have low self-esteem and am, in my heart, an irredeemable slut, I find myself daydreaming about my "glory days" as a college sorority girl.  Ah, how fondly I recall singing poetic songs declaring devotion to a random combination of Greek letters:

Eczema Krappa, I love you.
Eczema Krappa, I'll be true.
Eczema Krappas are well-to-do and proud,
Always demure and never too loud.

Singing was only part of the fun. I formed a special bond with my Big Sister, a pretty yet sadistic upperclassman. She would savagely whoop my ass with a wooden paddle, emblazoned with Eczema Krappa symbols, whenever I gained weight, flubbed up sorority song lyrics, or fooled around with a dormitory boy.

My sorority also freed me from the debilitating tedium of selecting my own clothing; four days out of five my wardrobe was dictated by the whims of the Eczema Krappa Sisterhood Committee. Not that I minded. The thrill of wearing my acid-washed, pink sweatshirt adorned with maroon Greek letters around campus! From the reactions of fraternity members, you'd think my bosom had grown two cup sizes and that I'd lost 6 inches from my waist.  Such is the reaction when displaying the equivalent of "I Suck Frat Boys" on one's clothing.

Anyway, this is an infertility blog, so you may be wondering how I'll tie such fond memories to my present crap-ass circumstances. Well, I plan to actually relive my sordid sorority past.

As some of you might know, A (wife of Baby Hungry Man) and I are starting a new mid-life sorority called Tau Phi Beta, also known as Tube Free Babes. To pledge, you must first be a Sizzlin' Hot Babe (or at least Gorgeous & Divine). Second, you must suffer from tubal infertility, either possessing blocked fallopians or missing a tube or two. If you have endured surgeries for these problems, we consider that hazing enough; you can bypass the brutal and humiliating pledge phase and be initiated as a full Sister immediately.

For those who do not meet this strict criteria, but who wish to pal around with The Sisters and assist with social mixers, you may join the "Tau Phi Little Sisters" auxiliary group. This program is unique in the Greek realm, in that "Littles" are not expected to mop the floors after ragin' keggers or be sexually available whenever Tau Phis want to experiment; merely commenting on Sisters' blogs will suffice.

A is busy working on the new Tau Phi secret handshake (also known as The Grip back in my Eczema Krappa days). As for me, I already described the premier benefit of sorority sisterhood: prancing about in garments donned with Greek insignia. So, I have started on some T-shirt designs. These are working drafts only, so let me know your suggestions.

First up we have a treat for the traditionalist: "TFB: Sterile and Sanitary" in back-to-basics white cotton, with long sleeves.  Ho, ho--"sterile"--get it?

Our second design is "TFB: No Boobs, No Tubes" on a baseball shirt. Please, only for the less endowed sorority Sisters, such as myself. The red sleeves symbolize Tau Phi Beta's bloody history, littered with ruptured ectopics and dysfunctional uterine bleeding.

The third T-shirt declares tubes the unnecessary accessory organ of the new millennium. Witness "TFB. Tubes: The New Appendix," on a slinky, short-sleeved T-shirt. Available in 100% cotton, in butter-cream yellow or chartreuse green.

Next up, replace those Grandma-esque "Period Panties" with 100% Tube-Free sorority knickers! For Sisters who still have their uterus, how about the "100% Tube Free: Yes, I still get my period" variation (only available in stain-hiding black)? For those with a hysterectomy, "100% Tube & Womb Free: No More Bloody Messes" is available in luscious petal pink.

Please excuse the manequin lingerie model for not exhibiting the laparoscopic/laparotomy scars shared by many of our Sisters. Our brother fraternities find the scars sexy - honest! Nevertheless, how I wish these were photos of my ass.  I'd even tolerate the plastic skin if my thighs didn't touch when standing with my feet apart.

Anway, later I will try to think of some designs for Little Sisters. Let me know your thoughts.

And let me know if you want to pledge (if so, please list your qualifications).

Until then, may you have sweet Tau Phi Beta dreams!

Hugs and Baby Dust (giggle giggle),
Sister Susan

Comments

[Kristie]

Oh my God, this is hysterical. You have a bit of a strange sense of humor but I htink it's funny. Hope you didn't offend anyone out there...

I am a former sorority gal as well and totally know what you are talking about! I sense somehow that you were not thatinto the sorority stuff, though? (neither was i) :-)

Put me down for the the Little Sisters list. Love the T-shirts, but especially the panties.

[Susan / holdingpattern]

Yikes! If I've offended anyone (thanks for the heads up Kristie), please forgive me. It was unintentional. Just want to be clear - I'm spoofing _my_ experience with _my_ sorority at _my_ school, which had a somewhat dysfunctional Greek system. I didn't fit into my sorority - I was too much of a tomboy, I think. I quit after a year and a half.

Again, sorry if this post is not funny. I amused myself while writing it, but looking back on it I can see that it might be construed as offensive and has too many in-jokes. My apologies.

[Danielle]

Hilarious! I never did the whole sorority think in college but sure did my fair share of poking fun at it.

I think it's great and I'd love to pledge, but I'm only a little sister.

[Penny]

oh... you didn't offend me in the least bit, it was hilarious ,, i never was in a sorority... i was asked to pledge but didn't want to. where i'm from, it's all about how much $$$ your daddy had, what kind of car you drove, etc... and plus there were a lot that didn't like me b/c,,, well, i guess they were jealous that i was/am a SHB and G&D... hahaha...and well i already knew and didn't like a lot of them (small town w/ 2 rival high schools & 1 college) but i'd love to pledge the Tau Phi Beta Sorority. Let's see... i just went thru my first LAP in march... found out both tubes were blocked/hydro'd... managed to get one open, but no BFP yet... so, do i have the right credentials?

[Suz]

My college didn't have sororities, but even I can get some of these jokes. And oh, I hope I can finally live the dream and become a little sister!!

[wessel]

Love sorority jokes! I was all set to rush--had my glam photos and resume and references all ready--and then some "friends" informed me that no house would pick me because I was on work-study. WAAAAAH! I was so crushed. I had no choice after that but to fall in with an alternative crowd, which led to bad things all around.

But, hey, I love second chances! However, I do not think I can pledge your house, because I have one tube, and not just one tube, but one BITCHIN' MAD SWINGIN' DOES THE WORK OF TWO tube.

I propose starting another house, KOE, (krappy old eggs) for all those poor egg quality girls.

We may be sexy
We may be pretty
But truth be told
Our eggs are shitty!

[Susan / holdingpattern]

Penny, you most certainly do have The Right Stuff. I hereby deem you a Sister of Tau Phi Beta, entitled to all the benefits of membership (but sadly, there are none). Welcome!

We will have to come up with some new T-shirts slogans to cover blocked tubes. How about "Blocked Up, But Not Stuck Up," "My Socks are Blocked," or... hmm.... I seem to be out of slogans...

And also, a hearty welcome to our new Little Sisters: Suz, Danielle, and Kristie!

[Katie]

Oh, I daydreamed about joining a sorority, but never had the courage. Do you have room for someone with tubes and eggs, but an incompetent uterus?

[ovagirl]

Another one tube wonder here! We don't have sororities in Australia - yikes, they sound terrifying. But then again I hung out with university revue crew and dirty theatre student types and I guess they had their own set of rules and rituals.

[Julianna]

Damn, y'all are making me want to miss a tube!

Too funny!

I LOVE the panties!

[millie]

Too damn funny! I'm in, if you'll have me. Does it matte which tube I have left? It's the left one so I'd like some kind of liberal sorority if possible.

I wasn't in a sorority in college but I was a little sister. More beer, way more guys and cheap dues.

Love wessel's cheer as well.

[penelope]

Well I must confess I was never in a sorority but I was an undergrad at a place that had a lot of them. The thing that sticks in my mind about sororities is a ritual one of their members told me about, maybe a hazing.

The victim would stand nude in front of a mirror and all the parts of her body that were too fat would be circled with a big marker. (so creepy and this was in So Cal so you can guess the eating disorder problem on campus).

In YOUR sorority we can circle the PIO spots on or fat asses! The nurse actually did that for me and now I see that if I had been in a sorority I would have already known where the finest flab to inject was!

[Anna H.]

TFB: Tubes: The New Appendix... love it!

Thank you for doing all the leg-work on this, sister. I still need to learn more about this business, since I went to college in the redwoods and we didn't have fratertinities and sororities -- just deer, ultimate frisbee and banana slugs. Will I still be member if I wear my gorgeous t-shirts and panties while lying in a depressed stupor on the couch? Or will I get the paddle?

I have a sneaking suspicion though, that an all-encompassing sisterhood like this -- complete with chants for each group, like Wessel's "our eggs are shitty" -- will help with some of that couch-sadness. In fact, I think it's already working... thank you for making me laugh, dear friend.

Tau Phi Beta!

xxoo

[wessel]

Millie, my G-d, but you're brilliant! I wondered why I never felt like I fit in with the leftist crowd, even though I was and still am a Democrat, and now I know why--my tube is on the right side!

I'M A RIGHT-TUBER! I mean, RIGHT-WINGER. I can't help what I am, so you can all stop hating me now.

[Simone]

Yipee!
My own gang!
I've got 2 blocked tubes...due for surgical removal next month!
And a didelphys uterus! Does that get the on the board of directors?
Fallopian tubes are sooo last season.

[Lumi]

Is it a bad thing that I urinated (just a little bit!!) on my office chair when I read this just now?

You are BRILLIANT! This post is hysterical!! You, like, totally ROCK man!

And Oh Mah Gahd I so want the pretty panties. Can I be a Little Sister pretty please?? I promise to bang only the more ugly frat boys and clean up everyone's puke after too many Harry Buffalos.

kisses,
Lumi

[sue]

I so needed to laugh today. I have tubes but shitty, shitty, eggs and bad square sperm with a poor sense of direction. Can I join?

[Cara Fletcher]

Really interesting idea.My friend who had a complete hysterectomy a year ago would fall in love with those things.

[elliot]

Wow i did not realize my fraternity from college had changed so much. It is now a sorority of middle aged women without falopian tubes. Someone help.