My Secret Shame

I have a pretty good director-level job.

It comes with a good-sized private office that overlooks the mountains, and every afternoon I watch the fog roll in from the ocean. 

I am respected throughout the organization, and regularly called upon to help with key customer issues. 

I'm 35 years old, an industry veteran with over 13 years of experience.

I have a tough, no-nonsense reputation, and some of my colleagues think I eat nails for breakfast.

But sometimes...

...sometimes...

...I crawl under my desk, where those passing outside my door can't see. 

Literally.

Then I bring my knees to my chest and cry.  And cry and cry.  As quietly as I can manage.

You know why.

It is no longer a rare occurrence.

Comments

[wessel]

Oh no, I'm so sorry to think of you suffering that emotional anguish on a regular basis. But about the crying--I'm not surprised. We are still human, after all, no matter what our position in life. Hang in there.

[DD]

Oh dear, if anyone could use a hug, it surely must be you.

Would it seem insensitive if I tried to bring levy by saying be careful with the tears so your breakfast won't rust? ...Or maybe it would be better if I just wrote I don't know what to say, and that I'm mentally banishing your pain away.

[elle]

No! No shame! Fuck, all you have been through, how the fuck is it possible to NOT mourn it all? Crying, fucking-a. I'd be right down there with you. In fact, here is my sob story - I belong to a food coop, where I am on the cleaning crew - once a month. So, I am in a tiny bathroom, swabbing the sink, and I just have a total breakdown - sitting on the toilet and sobbing my littl heart out - meanwhile hundreds of shoppers pass by outside. Sometimes, it's good to let it all out.

[Manuela]

Oh, honey... that image just breaks my heart... I'm sooo sorry.

I'm stepping outside my no-cutsey box of rules and sending you a hug... BUT... it's sort of a <> pointy-elbowed cynical bitch hug, ya know?

[mm]

Oh fuck. Listen here... you've got nothing to be ashamed about. You've been through absolute HELL over the past few years and you have every right to take a time out for a good cry every once and a while. Whatever gets you through the day, I say. Hang in there.

[Julie]

We all share in that shame my friend. My office has a big floor to ceiling window. Everyone knew if my back was to the window - do not approach. I would have hour-long meltdowns in my office.

You have been through so much, I wish there was something I could say to bring you peace.

[Jen]

Sometimes the only good thing about our offices is that they have doors on them. I can't imagine being infertile in a cubicle--talk about heaping indignities.

Hoping those days get fewer and further between in the weeks and months to come.

[Pamplemousse]

Unfortunately I work in an open-plan office :(

Can you take a few days off for a bit of a respite? You know, like a sweatpants holiday?

[Wavery]

It's also contagious. I totally blame you.

[Anna H.]

No shame needed here. We love you, Susan.

xxoo

[Sassy]

No shame in that at all. I wish we could all join you under there to make you feel less alone. Hang in there.

[Kath]

Oh, Susan, please know that we're all under that desk with you. Now go ahead, just *try* to concentrate on your work with that image in your head! What's to stop us, for example, from tickling your feet as you're on a conference call?

[Tania]

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry you have to carry all of this sadness around. I wish so much there were something I could do to help.

Take good care

[Amanda]

I'm sorry, Susan. Sometimes this shit is just too damn much.

[Emily]

Well, I don't have to crawl under my desk because I work in an office of two and have the place pretty much to myself. But about the crying all the time? Well, it's a good thing it's just me and customers on the phone can't see my constant stream of tears.

xo,