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Jan 04, 2006

Comments

elle

Awesome post. You are rightly enraged. How absurd! I wish there were a way you were able to exact some kind of revenge on the idiotic. Shock via email is an excellent starting point.

Julie

People say that to try to ease their minds and think that they will ease the minds of others by saying it (they will be lucky not to get a foot up their ass).

I'm surprised that Korea wouldn't adopt to African Americans - I would look into that further. I wouldn't be surprised if the racism wasn't coming from the agency and not the country.

cubbiegirl

My mom says that to me a lot, and I kind of think it's crap too.

susie

"Everything happens for a reason" is SUCH CRAP. And it just seems like everyone says it these days. I do not remember this pathetic pablum from my younger years -- it seems to have come to power in the last five years or so.

As a recurrent miscarrier, I also love "You know, maybe you just aren't meant to have children."

BITE. ME.

statia

Step away from yahoo and listserv. Most of those people don't even like to write full words.

Jenn

I gave up on the whole reason thing too. Lots of craptastic things happen for no good reason and you gave a perfect example.

Tiffanni

Oh wow. I didn't know that...that is craziness!
...oh and you are defintely right about he 'happens for a reason' crap. It just sounds so naive to me....and it certainly gets old after hearing it year after year. UGH!

Gawdessness

My teeth have gotten dry from the fake smile I give in answer to that kind of thing in real life.

I love the word "dillhole", it is new to me.

Denise

Oh, no, we're lurking on the same lists! I saw that one too. Now that we're getting close I read them more often to track the # of referrals, but sometimes they drive me nuts.

I have not seen too many interracial adoptions from Korea OTHER than Caucasian parents, but I bet it will be more common. Interesting that white parents/Asian child is the "norm," but any other race + Asian child just seems to confuse people's circuits.

I love "everything happens for a reason." Yes, someone experienced a heartbreaking unplanned pregnancy and decision to place their child for adoption just so I could have my perfect family. There's your "reason."

wessel

Yeah, I've had it with the "there must be a reason" crap too. And I'm particularly sensitive to the "G-d's plan" aspect. You see, I have a hard enough time liking G-d as it is, and those comments do NOT help!

On the other hand, try not to be too hard on the Dillhole. This is her way of coping with her life, and it obviously works for her, which is why she was trying to share it with others. Before the wisdom I gained from IF, I made a similarly dumb comment to a friend who had suffered an adoption failure, and I still cringe at the memory and wonder what she must have thought of me. So be forgiving and gently, gently correct people so that they learn that these kinds of comments are NOT HELPFUL.

Lut C.

Everything happens for a CAUSE. That's a world away from "for a REASON". Like in, I'm IF beCAUSE of some unknown medical condition, not because someone decided I should be for some REASON.
The difference isn't hard to grasp really. How do people who mix these up survive in the real world?
(**huffing indignantly**)

With regard to boycotting Korea, that is a radical decision. Before you even contemplate this, you'd need solid evidence that this is true.
Even if it is true, the question is indeed if boycotting would change anything. Perhaps there are other things you could do.

barb

oooh, my favorite: when god closes a door, he opens a window. yeah, i have a lot to say about that. thanks for repeatedly slamming the door on my fingers!

Donna

Ugh. Sorry your adoption world got a bit of a shake, I can't believe its really Korea that's imposing the racial boundary. Although, they do have weight limitations...

Shit happens. End of sentence.

thalia

Yup it's just like the 'just relax' thing. Things people say when they don't know what to say and they don't have a clue what the real story is. *sigh*

The racism thing is quite scary although not actually surprising from Korea, my experience there doing business is that racism is quite prevalent there. As you say, not sure that a boycott is the right answer. But I'm afraid I don't have any other suggestions right now.

Away2Me

Oh do I hate the "everything happens for a reason" line. So tell me, the poor children that get raped by adults and sold into child slavery, does that just happen for a reason to them to? People suck! I think the scariest part is... this dillwods believe that "everything happens for a reason". It makes me want to vomit too!
Adopt from Korea, teach your child about racism and maybe he or she will be able to make a difference 20 or more years from now. That's all we can hope for.

Emily

Well if everything happens for a reason then I've got a long fillibuster coming with G-d because there are a few things I'd really like to know the answer to. What crap.

Kimmer

Yep hate the "everything happens for a reason line" also. I also hate the "why don't you just adopt line" too.

Makes me sick to think that there is still racism like this going on.

Good luck with your adoption journeys Susan!

Patti

I had to opt out of the yahoogroups. Too many "God opened my window!" religious fanatics and too many redundant questions easily answered by skimming the dossier guide. The blogosphere is where it's at for real support during the stress of infertility/adoption.

Best of luck with Korea. It could indeed be the agency that is racist.

Patti

btw, LOVE YOUR TO-DO LIST!!! Do you mind if I "borrow" it and tweak it to be China specific?

The comments to this entry are closed.

Adoption To-Do's

  • 

    Total Expenses So Far: $21,531

    Select country (Korea) (11/14/05)

    Select agency (11/17/05)

    Tell our families

    Receive preliminary application

    Preliminary App filed (12/5/05):

    • Fill in application
    • Photo of us, photo of house
    • Write medical statement, elaborating on treatment for depression
    • Line up four non-relative references
    • One copy of tax returns from past three years
    • Pay $200 fee
    • Notarized adoption services agreement $10
    • Fedex to Agency $15

    Receive Big App (12/15/05)

    Receive Korea Adoption Guidebook

    Home Study Paperwork: (1/19/06)

    • S: Complete "Personal Data" form with 67 essay questions
    • S: 1 photocopy birth certificate
    • S: Complete Authorization of Release of Information - Employer Verification
    • S: Criminal Record Statement
    • S: LiveScan fingerprint form (for State of California: criminal and child abuse index)
    • S: Schedule LiveScan fingerprinting appointments
    • S: LiveScan fingerprints done, pay $65
    • S: Medical Exam, including HIV and TB tests
    • S: Medical Report filled out by doctor
    • T: Complete 51 essay question "Personal Data" form
    • T: 1 photocopy birth certificate
    • T: Complete Authorization of Release of Information - Employer Verification
    • T: Criminal Record Statement
    • T: LiveScan fingerprint form (for State of California: criminal and child abuse index)
    • T: Schedule LiveScan fingerprinting appointments
    • T: LiveScan fingerprints done, pay $65
    • T: Medical Exam, including HIV and TB tests
    • T: Medical Report filled out by doctor
    • Complete detailed Financial Statement
    • 1 photocopy marriage license
    • Photo of baby's room
    • Map & directions to home
    • Copy all, keep for records
    • FedEx packet to agency, $15 (1/12/06)
    All 4 non-relative references return 3-page, 10-essay questionnaires directly to agency (1/28/06)

    Home Study Part 2: (4/3/2006)

    • Receive & pay invoice for home study $3066 (2/1/06)
    • Schedule social worker visits (2/10/06)
    • Childproof house (smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, outlet covers) $40
    • Social worker visit #1 (joint) (2/21/06)
    • Acceptable Medical Conditions Form (2/27/06)
    • From that details how "open" an adoption we are willing to consider  (2/27/06)
    • Social worker visit #2 (S only) (2/28/06)
    • Social worker visit #3 (T only) (2/28/06)
    • Sign up for module 1 & 2 of parenting class
    • Book travel for parenting class in Southern California
    • Modules 1 & 2 of agency parenting class (in SoCal) $500 (1/21/06)
    • Receive 2 completed, certified, notarized copies of Home Study (4/3/2006)

    Agency sends Home Study to Korea (HSTK) (4/7/2006)

    Sign up for modules 3 & 4 of agency parenting class

    Take modules 3 & 4 of agency parenting class (4/9/06)

    I-600A filed with US-CIS (Advanced Processing of Orphan Petition for Visa) (4/6/2006):

    • I-600A form
    • Copy certified Home Study
    • S: Photocopy of birth certificate
    • T: Photocopy of birth certificate
    • Photocopy of marriage license
    • Copy of most recent federal tax return
    • Proof of medical insurance
    • $545 fee + $140 for FBI fingerprints = $685
    • Cover letter
    • Copy all for records
    • Mail to US-CIS San Francisco

    FBI Fingerprinting:

    • US-CIS acknowledges receipt of I-600A (4/12/06)
    • FBI Fingerprinting appt. scheduled (different than LiveScan fingerprints)
    • FBI Fingerprinting completed, for each (4/28/06)

    Receive I-171H (Approval of I-600A) (5/11/06)

    Pick baby name

    Arrange for medical evaluation of referral

    Receive Referral (12/29/06)

    • Child's presentation letter
    • Child's information
    • Photographs
    • Medical records
    • Confidential background information

    Medical evaluation of Referral by Oakland Children's Hospital (1/10/2007)

    File Referral Acceptance Paperwork: ($140 + $12) (1/6/2007)

    • Child Information Transmittal
    • Pay invoice for $17,500
    • 3 Placement Agreements - all notarized
    • T: 4 Statements of Adoption (for child's Korean passport) - all notarized
    • 3 Travel Option forms
    • 1 Foreign Travel Release - notarized
    • T: 2 Affidavit re INS Vaccination Requirements
    • T: 2 I-864 Affidavit of Support for Immigration
    • S: 2 I-864A Contract between Sponsor and Household Member
    • Copy of entire last year tax return, with ALL attachments
    • Copy of all last year W-2 and 1099 forms
    • T: Photocopy of birth certificate (again)
    • S: Photocopy of birth certificate (again)
    • T: Copy of 2006 paystubs
    • S: Copy of 2006 paystubs
    • Photocopy of marriage license (again)
    • Photocopy everything for records
    • FedEx to agency (1/6/2007)

    Receive child's "legals" from Korea (in English & Korean): (1/22/2007)

    • Affirmation and Oath Certificate (attests these documents are true and correct)
    • Certificate of the Guardian (certifies Korean agency was guardian)
    • Statement of Guardianship (transfers guardianship from Korean agency to American agency)
    • Extract of Family Register (birth certificate equivalent)

    I-600 visa petition form filed w/ US-CIS: (1/25/2007)

    • I-600 form
    • Copy of I-171H
    • Copies of child's legals
    • Originals of child's legals, with note and SASE envelope requesting they be returned
    • Copy of child report
    • Copy of child photos
    • Copy of most recent 1040 tax form
    • Copy of I-864
    • Copy of I-864A
    • Letter with visa cable instructions
    • Fedex to US-CIS San Francisco $25

    Meanwhile, the Korean agency works away:

    • Our application is translated
    • Korean agency applies for Emigration Permit with Korean Ministry of Health and Welfare
    • Ministry approves Emigration Permit (aka "EP")
    • Agency gets I-171 (I-600 approval) cable from US Embassy in Seoul
    • Baby tested for Hepatitis B & HIV
    • Visa physical for baby
    • Submit application for baby's IR-4 Visa

    Resubmit our I-600 visa petition after US-CIS screws up (2/9/2007)

    Buy baby gear (3/17/07)

    Baby CPR & safety class (2/17/07)

    Line up a regular pediatrician (3/5/07)

    Line up a pediatric cardiologist (3/14/07)

    Investigate childcare options (3/17/07)

    Line up Daycare (5/25/07)

    Get on preschool waiting list (1/5/07)

    Setup nursery(3/19/07)

    Get life insurance for both

    Write wills with statements of guardianship wishes (both)

    Set up trust

    S: Get pre-approval family leave with HR (1/24/2007)

    Buy gifts for foster family, Korean agency staff (3/16/07)

    Make travel arrangements to Korea ($185 plus 240,000 frequent flyer miles) (3/13/07)

    Wrap-up job for a 15-week leave (3/12/07-3/16/07)

    Finalize leave plans with HR (3/15/07)

    Travel to Korea (3/19/07 - 3/25/07)

    • Meet both foster mothers (3/21/07, 3/22/07, 3/23/07)
    • In-Korea pre-flight medical exam (3/22/07)
    • Go to US Embassy in Seoul to process Class-B Waiver (acceptance of medical condition) 3/22/07
    • Get the final Visa paperwork (3/22/07)
    • Take custody of child! (3/23/07)
    • Long plane ride back to USA (3/25/07)

    USA Medical Evaluations

    • Add baby to my health insurance (3/28/07)
    • Evaluation by regular pediatrician (3/30/07)
    • US immunizations (3/30/07)
    • Evaluation by pediatric cardiologist (4/18/07)
    Receive Placement Confirmation Notice from Agency (3/28/06)

    Receive baby's Green Card in mail (4/16/07)

    Get social security number under baby's Korean Name as permanent resident (4/27/07)

    Receive post-placement packet in mail from Agency(4/15/07)

    Post-placement visits from social worker: (9/12/07)

    • Visit #1 (4/28/07)
    • Visit #2 (6/30/07)
    • Visit #3 (7/26/07)
    • Visit #4 (9/12/07)

    Create and file child "progress reports" with 8-18 photos each, for Korean agency and government, and a letter with photos for foster family (9/12/07)

    • 1-month progress report (4/28/07)
    • 3-month progress report (6/30/07)
    • 4-month progress report (7/26/07)
    • 6-month progress report (9/12/07)

    File US Physician's Examination Report with Agency (4/17/07)

    File Adoption Finalization Paperwork in our county in California (5/1/07) ($20)

    • Form ADOPT-200 (Adoption Request) (5/1/07)
    • Form ADOPT-210 (Adoption Agreement) (5/1/07)
    • Form ADOPT-215 (Adoption Order) (5/1/07)
    • Form ADOPT-230 (Adoption Expenses) (5/1/07)

    RE-File Finalization Paperwork the State changed in July '07 (ARGH!) (11/13/07)

    • Form ADOPT-210 (Adoption Agreement) (11/13/07)
    • Form ADOPT-215 (Adoption Order) (11/3/07)

    Finalize Adoption in County Court

    • Receive "Consent to Adoption" from agency (11/2/07)
    • Schedule court hearing (coming in December '07!)
    • Adoption finalization court hearing (Munchkin is now a US citizen, and his American name is now his legal name!)
    • Have a HUGE Party to celebrate!
    • Send agency/Korea copy of child's adoption decree (child is no longer considered a Korean citizen)
    • Send adoption announcements

    Secure proof of US citizenship for child:

    • Complete & file N-600 with US-CIS, pay fee
    • Receive Certificate of Citizenship
    • File passport application
    • Receive passport
    • Apply to SSA to get status changed from resident alien to citizen, SS# name changed (passport is proof)

    Start the process all over again for kid #2!