This Really Chaps My Hide

So, I'm making my foray into the online adoption community, and I find that I am struggling mightily to suppress my gag reflex.

What, pray tell, disgusts me so?  The forums, the listservs, the Yahoo! groups, etc.  Not the blogs.  Thank God for the blogs.

And WHY am I disgusted?  Because of the "Everything Happens for a Reason" people.  No matter what fuck-ups happen in the adoption process, no matter what incompetence people suffer at the hands of social workers, adoption agency staff, or government officials, some asshat always chimes in "Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this child isn't the one meant for you!"

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.  I gave up on "everything happens for a reason" after nearly dying TWICE from ruptured ectopic pregnancies.  Can you tell me what the REASONS were? Sometimes SHIT HAPPENS.  Sometimes people screw you over because they can or just don't care. Sometimes there is no "reason."

A REAL example from a listserv...

A biracial couple, one of whom was African American, wanted to adopt a specific waiting Korean child with albinism.  Then their agency tells them Korea won't allow African Americans to adopt! 

The situation enrages me on many levels: that I am about to engage in a fundamentally racist adoption process, that this type of overt racism still exists in the world.  It is wrong that I, as a Caucasian, am able to adopt from Korea when this couple cannot.  But I don't know what to do about it other than rant and rave on my blog.  Perhaps I should boycott Korea and adopt from another country.  I don't know.  But would that help change the situation? ARGH!

My heart goes out to this couple, yet I have no idea what to say that could possibly help.  But I do know that this dillhole's "advice" is not at all helpful:

"I guess that it just was not meant to be, and that your child is
somewhere out there and when the time is right it is going to happen."

Hey Dillhole, do you REALLY believe that?  That God uses RACISM as tool, to bring about "what is meant to be"?  In other words, the God you believe in is a racist?  Nice.

Comments

[elle]

Awesome post. You are rightly enraged. How absurd! I wish there were a way you were able to exact some kind of revenge on the idiotic. Shock via email is an excellent starting point.

[Julie]

People say that to try to ease their minds and think that they will ease the minds of others by saying it (they will be lucky not to get a foot up their ass).

I'm surprised that Korea wouldn't adopt to African Americans - I would look into that further. I wouldn't be surprised if the racism wasn't coming from the agency and not the country.

[cubbiegirl]

My mom says that to me a lot, and I kind of think it's crap too.

[susie]

"Everything happens for a reason" is SUCH CRAP. And it just seems like everyone says it these days. I do not remember this pathetic pablum from my younger years -- it seems to have come to power in the last five years or so.

As a recurrent miscarrier, I also love "You know, maybe you just aren't meant to have children."

BITE. ME.

[statia]

Step away from yahoo and listserv. Most of those people don't even like to write full words.

[Jenn]

I gave up on the whole reason thing too. Lots of craptastic things happen for no good reason and you gave a perfect example.

[Tiffanni]

Oh wow. I didn't know that...that is craziness!
...oh and you are defintely right about he 'happens for a reason' crap. It just sounds so naive to me....and it certainly gets old after hearing it year after year. UGH!

[Gawdessness]

My teeth have gotten dry from the fake smile I give in answer to that kind of thing in real life.

I love the word "dillhole", it is new to me.

[Denise]

Oh, no, we're lurking on the same lists! I saw that one too. Now that we're getting close I read them more often to track the # of referrals, but sometimes they drive me nuts.

I have not seen too many interracial adoptions from Korea OTHER than Caucasian parents, but I bet it will be more common. Interesting that white parents/Asian child is the "norm," but any other race + Asian child just seems to confuse people's circuits.

I love "everything happens for a reason." Yes, someone experienced a heartbreaking unplanned pregnancy and decision to place their child for adoption just so I could have my perfect family. There's your "reason."

[wessel]

Yeah, I've had it with the "there must be a reason" crap too. And I'm particularly sensitive to the "G-d's plan" aspect. You see, I have a hard enough time liking G-d as it is, and those comments do NOT help!

On the other hand, try not to be too hard on the Dillhole. This is her way of coping with her life, and it obviously works for her, which is why she was trying to share it with others. Before the wisdom I gained from IF, I made a similarly dumb comment to a friend who had suffered an adoption failure, and I still cringe at the memory and wonder what she must have thought of me. So be forgiving and gently, gently correct people so that they learn that these kinds of comments are NOT HELPFUL.

[Lut C.]

Everything happens for a CAUSE. That's a world away from "for a REASON". Like in, I'm IF beCAUSE of some unknown medical condition, not because someone decided I should be for some REASON.
The difference isn't hard to grasp really. How do people who mix these up survive in the real world?
(**huffing indignantly**)

With regard to boycotting Korea, that is a radical decision. Before you even contemplate this, you'd need solid evidence that this is true.
Even if it is true, the question is indeed if boycotting would change anything. Perhaps there are other things you could do.

[barb]

oooh, my favorite: when god closes a door, he opens a window. yeah, i have a lot to say about that. thanks for repeatedly slamming the door on my fingers!

[Donna]

Ugh. Sorry your adoption world got a bit of a shake, I can't believe its really Korea that's imposing the racial boundary. Although, they do have weight limitations...

Shit happens. End of sentence.

[thalia]

Yup it's just like the 'just relax' thing. Things people say when they don't know what to say and they don't have a clue what the real story is. *sigh*

The racism thing is quite scary although not actually surprising from Korea, my experience there doing business is that racism is quite prevalent there. As you say, not sure that a boycott is the right answer. But I'm afraid I don't have any other suggestions right now.

[Away2Me]

Oh do I hate the "everything happens for a reason" line. So tell me, the poor children that get raped by adults and sold into child slavery, does that just happen for a reason to them to? People suck! I think the scariest part is... this dillwods believe that "everything happens for a reason". It makes me want to vomit too!
Adopt from Korea, teach your child about racism and maybe he or she will be able to make a difference 20 or more years from now. That's all we can hope for.

[Emily]

Well if everything happens for a reason then I've got a long fillibuster coming with G-d because there are a few things I'd really like to know the answer to. What crap.

[Kimmer]

Yep hate the "everything happens for a reason line" also. I also hate the "why don't you just adopt line" too.

Makes me sick to think that there is still racism like this going on.

Good luck with your adoption journeys Susan!

[Patti]

I had to opt out of the yahoogroups. Too many "God opened my window!" religious fanatics and too many redundant questions easily answered by skimming the dossier guide. The blogosphere is where it's at for real support during the stress of infertility/adoption.

Best of luck with Korea. It could indeed be the agency that is racist.

[Patti]

btw, LOVE YOUR TO-DO LIST!!! Do you mind if I "borrow" it and tweak it to be China specific?