A post in which I apologize to Manuela and reveal my Adoption Guilt

Well, it had to happen, I guess.  And it was my own doing so I can't complain. I've been blogging just over a year and only just now have I started receiving nasty-grams.

So, I have this to say:

1) If you don't want to read my blog, that's fine with me. Don't do it. It will not offend me.  Especially if reading my blog causes you emotional distress. I do not want that for you.

2) I am so sorry that I hurt Manuela's feelings, because she is truly delightful, so funny and intelligent, an amazing writer, and just so open and out there.  Her blog is one of the best.  It is. And I am so truly am sorry that I hurt her. Yesterday I read an email from her about it, where she explained how hurt she was, and I started crying. 

It was stupid of me to post that I couldn't read her blog anymore without telling her why or offering up an explanation.  I'm a jackass, and I don't know what more to say about it.

My only excuse is that I did not realize that she would find it so hurtful. I thought she'd know  why it is so difficult for me to read her blog.  I thought she'd understand that it wasn't a personal thing against her, but was more my problem stemming from my own circumstances.

------

That said, here's a half-assed explanation of why I find it difficult to read Manuela's blog. (I have tried many times in the past week to write down a fuller explanation, but it is so difficult for me to properly express. One day, I will post something better.)

When you're well into advanced infertility treatment, and have tried for YEARS to get pregnant, it is painful to read blogs by pregnant women, even if they suffered long and hard to achieve that pregnancy.  Even if those women are amazing writers and amazing people.

For me, a person who is now committed to and embroiled in the adoption process, it is similarly difficult for me to read Manuela's blog because she writes about how dissatisfying, how wrong even, the adoption process can be for the adoptee and the birth family.  I also find it difficult to read, at least for now, many other insightful blogs by adoptees and birth parents for the same reason.

The idea that my child will be somehow permanently damaged just by virtue of having been adopted, and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it... well, it is so painful that I feel physically distressed when I think about it. 

The idea that the biological bond between mother and child is the most important of all the bonds, that adoptive parenting is second-rate... again, it makes my stomach quiver.  It is not something that I had ever considered before reading these blogs. I've always felt certain that I would love an adopted child as much as I love a biological child, so it had never occurred to me that the child might not love an adoptive parent as much as his/her bio parents (provided the bio parents also raised him/her), that something would always be missing for the child, until I read these blogs.

I know that I need to come to grips with all this. I must read these blogs and learn these stories.  It is my best chance to prevent my child from suffering in the same ways.  These blogs will help me become a better parent.  They will help me conduct this adoption in the most ethical way possible.  For these reasons, I've read so many of these blogs voraciously in the past, and I promise I will again. 

But for now, for the next few months, I've decided that it is OK for me to take a break.  I've been so wracked with guilt about the whole institution of adoption, about its inherent injustices and its racial, societal, and political implications. I've felt like such a horrible person for wanting to adopt that I've sufferred insomnia. I've found it difficult to accept simple "congratulations, that's wonderful!" sentiments from friends without going into a long diatribe about how adoption is actually not wonderful because it contributes to societal ills as hideous as human trafficking, subjugating women to a permanent underclass worldwide, and institutionalizing racism.

I find I get lost in the greater, global issues surrounding adoption. Only when I focus on the micro-level -- that T and I very much want a child, there are kids that need parents right now, and basically nothing could happen in the world that will change that in the next 2 years -- can I feel I feel good about this path.  Otherwise I feel tremendous guilt.

I need to snap out of this. I will be a better parent if I develop some more emotional strength, and more confidence that our adopting is the best thing for the child, the birth family, and us (at least given the constraint's of our and Korea's imperfect societies).  I need to focus on the positive side of adoption, for at least a few months; that is why I cannot read these blogs for the time being.  But if you have not checked them out, I encourage you because they are educational and insightful.

Comments

[Jenn]

I had a feeling that was the reason, and I think I would find it difficult too if I was in your position.

[Bonnie]

That's what I thought the reason was too.

One of the most heartbreaking things I can think of is that my so wanted and loved child will feel I am lesser than because there isn't a biological tie.

[Sophie D]

Dont be too hard on yourself. As a fellow infertile turned adoption route, I know how you feel. The journey may be hard but I know it will be worth it in the end and we will be great mothers and have great kids. No point in thinking anything else or it will eat away at you. Manuela's blog is sometimes a tough read, but she has vaulable information to share and her heart is in the right place. Read what you can and take a break when you have to. That is what I do. Stay strong! Sophie D

[UtRus]

hiya. i just read back n forth to manuela's blog... look... you meant no harm. i think you can choose to read or not read whatever you want. it seems clear to me that you were never about attacking her personally - it was about you not wanting to read her thoughts for a while. there is NOTHING wrong with that. it doesn't mean she should stop writing. we publish (instead of keeping a private journal) because we want readers, want a community. but that comes along with the caveat that we may not please all our readers all of the time even though our own thoughts are (sometimes too?) dear to us.

i have to be frank... there are some blogs i have stopped reading because i find them too negative, in a particular way, for my taste. i have (gently, over time) dropped real life friends for the same reason. it's not to say i need all positivity or all candy-coated. not at all. i can take pain, and i do my best to help shoulder the pain of others. it's just that all of us have the right to read or associate with people in our lives that make us feel good in the pit of our stomachs. if M isn't doing that for you right now, then that's fine.

personally i like to read M's blog because i feel i learn from her POV and i like her writing. but you see - that's it - it's a choice, and it's not necessarily personal. not always about the writer, sometimes about the reader.

you're a thoughtful, smart person. don't blow any of this out of proportion. we have enough real drama in our lives, no? hugs

[Donna]

I have no idea what anyone involved with adoption in any way is feeling, but I can see from the outside that its overwhelming. You have so much insight, you have the best intentions, you are coming from a loving place, and still, its overwhelming and difficult and downright scary. You might not be able to prove that you adopting one specific child is the best thing for all parts of the triad, but you will do the best you can do. And that is all we can ask of ourselves or anyone.

[Tonya]

You have such an honest and open starting place, I think that sets you far along the path towards being a wonderful parent. I admit that I, too, was totally freaked out when I learned about this irrepairable piece of the adoption puzzle from reading some of the same blogs you've mentioned. Doesn't mean it's not valid, but it did make me seriously take a step back and know that for me, right now, adoption is not something I can do. I personally am not in the right space to make it work.

And I totally respect you needing to take some space and just Be for a while. I often do that when continuing to torture myself would be counter-productive. I applaud your healthy approach, and I respect your honesty.

[Sassy]

I think that's perfectly understandable.

[Mia]

I am an adoptee. My birth mother made a choice to put me up for adoption. She was not forced, bribed or manipulated into her decision. These are her words, not mine.

Of course it's important to be prepared, to learn and to listen about the impact adoption has on everyone involved. HOWEVER, there are millions of children in this world already in orphanages, already floundering in the foster care system, desperate for the love of a family.

Yes adoption needs serious reform and God knows I love all of the birth mothers I have been blessed to meet. They teach me every single day and their pain some days just kills me. But not all children were forced from their mothers arms and the fact remains that there are still children going to bed without a kiss goodnight and someone to tuck them in, someone to say I Love YOU.

I think Manuela is awesome and I'm sure when you are ready you will drop back by because her words are important. We are ALL important but the children, they are the most important of all.

I think that adopting a child to fill a need we have cannot be our motivation, part of the equasion yes but not our motivation. Filling a need the child has should be. If this is your motivation you should proceed guilt free and rejoice that soon a child will have love where there was none!!!!!

I wish you all the best!

[Stephanie]

What?? You're a horrible person for wanting to adopt?? Have you lost your mind, woman?? Stop reading horror stories about adoption. Most adoptive families turn out just fine. If you were pregnant, would you go seeking horror stories about biological children? Of course not!

Take a break. Infertility seriously fucks with your mind. I know I had thoughts of, "well, what if I am forcing the issue and I am not really meant to have children" Then I realized that was crap. I am a loving person, ready to give a child a home and to start a family. Hopefully when you are able to squash the demons, you will see that adoption is a wonderful thing, for you AND for the child.

[Flicka]

I kind of thought that was your reason, too. And it makes sense. And you and Manuela are fine with each other, so let us never speak of it again.

Very good luck to you both in your adoption journey. It's not for the faint of heart. :-)

[alchemist]

First, this is a classy apology. I, in turn, apologize if I came down too hard in my defense of Manuela...I'm a bit of a mama bear.

Second, all human institutions are flawed. It doesn't mean we should stop participating in them. We all read horror stories every day about marriage...lives ruined, murders, infidelity, etc. But we still stay optimistic about marriage because those are the extreme stories. I see adoption stories the same way. Terrible things can happen and wonderful things can happen. I'm hoping that by learning about the worst of it I can be a better parent. But I understand that it can be hard to take sometimes.

[thalia]

We all make mistakes sometimes, not being able to see what impact our actions will have on someone else. You and Manuela have sorted this now, I hope, so I'm very glad because you are both pillars of this community and having you - at least seem to be - at odds with one another is just wrong. I guessed this was your reason, and I'm sure if things weren't so raw for Manuela, she would have done too.

Adoption is just really hard to get one's head round. I absolutely believe that what you say about you and T and the child that needs a home is right, at the same time as I have new insight into all the traumas of adoption from reading Manuela and others. I thikn it is fine to give yourself a break, much as we all do on reading pregnant infertiles from time to time. Stick to your sense of what is right for you.

[Mary Scarlet]

I also kind of suspected this might be the reason...glad that you and Manuela have explained and understand each other. I am on the verge of the adopt/not adopt decision and I have those dark fears in the back of my mind, but I am glad that Mia and Stephanie said what they did above.

[Nancy]

I hope you're not beating yourself up over this- obviously it's a simple misunderstanding, and I'm glad it was cleared up so easily. I hope you don't start becoming overcautious; if people inhibit their writing to the extent that no one ever interprets anything in a way different from what you had intended, then blogs would be very stilted indeed. And I'm hoping to hear more about the other topics you listed!

[Ornery]

I completely understand your reasons, and I'm so sorry that you are experiencing so much guilt. As you continue your adoption journey, I hope that guilt is overcome by excitement and the sheer joy of meeting and loving your beautiful child.

[chee chee]

I have very limited knowledge about adoption and I understand at a very basic level how complex the issues facing adoptees and their families (both adopted and biological) must be. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Call me naive but I believe that the creation of a new family by whatever means is a wonderful thing. I believe that all families face obstacles and challenges (yes, I know some face more than others). And finally, I believe that you and your husband will be great parents b/c you are strong and caring people, who will give your all to raising a family.

Hang in there and do whatever you need to do to get through this.

[Lut C.]

I guessed something along those lines. I'm glad to see you've patched things up with Manuela.

I was never a great fan of the band "Therapy", but their song "Happy people have no stories" comes to mind here.

Before becoming miserable because of IF, I didn't dream of starting a blog. I just didn't have anything much to say.

I suspect there are a great number of adoptees that don't blog, not about being adopted anyway. And I would dare to guess it is because they're fairly content with how things turned out for them.

[Masnuela]

Oh goodnes... I am SO sorry I caused such a hubbub! I feel like such a pansy now... it was a simple misunderstanding, that's all.

Man... even *I* need a break from my own adoption ramblings... so heavens... cut yourself some SLACK, girlfriend!

And I also want to remind you, that when I write about MY experiences... I have NEVER claimed that I am the model of all adoptions everywhere. It's just... that it's only been in the last year... maybe two at the most... that I've been cognizant of the fact that I'm not alone in my experiences... and that it's such a RELIEF to vent the nasty stuff! Lastly...let's ALSO not forget... that my adoption involved lies, manipulation, coercion, and abuse. NONE of which will apply in your own situation.

As always... I wish you NOTHING but the very happiest of families... but... I think you did already know that.

Smooches.

[Away2me]

Manuela and I have had this same conversation. It's tough, but as I sit here, having coffee with our potential birth mom and realize that the contractions she had all night could be the start of labor and the birth of the child she wants us to raise...well you just think about the love, not the bad part. That's what our potential birth mom tells us. But, out of respect, I still call her Potential birth mom because until she hands me that child and tells me, "here is your son" well until then she is my pregnant friend.

[Erin O']

Hey,

I can't improve upon what all the other commenters have said thus far -- I understand how you feel, (having insomnia for the same reasons!), and am so glad that you and Manuela worked it out, and heartened that the discourse can run (albeit with bumps)in such a loving and accepting manner.

Sorry for the run-on sentence!
Just found your blog and am enjoying it, btw.

e

[millie]

Everyone else has said far wiser things than I ever could. I just wanted to let you know how much I was thinking about you and how much I admire you for your honesty and your writing about all of this.

[Pamplemousse]

I can feel the love in the room! Smooches, sweetie. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing the very best you can.

[Tamara]

As a foster-to-adopt (and infertile) mom, I mirror Stephanie's thoughts above. I feel for others who had horrible adoption experiences. But as someone who already hurts from her own infertility and is trying her best to make things right in the world, I have no room for extra horror stories. We see enough of them in the foster care system as it is - and that's what the kids come FROM. My best to you - you are making the world a better place for the choices you are making.

[lorrie]

I'm adopted and I loved it so much that I chose that way to build my own family after a few half-assed rounds of Clomid and one Pergonal go-round. I think adoption is wonderful!!! come read me!!!

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