Korea - The Big Day

We woke up at 4:30 am on Friday.

"Can you believe they're going to give us a baby?" said T.

Yeah. Wow. In just ten hours, they were actually going to give us a baby to care for and raise as a member of our family.  Giving US a baby.  Didn't they know we were completely unqualified? We never cared for an infant before. We had no experience.

*******

The morning dragged.  We had no desire to go anywhere - we just hung out in the H01t Guesthouse.  Checked the Internet a few times. Watched Desperate Housewives with Korean subtitles. Packed and repacked our bags to go home, now with all the gifts we received from the foster mothers and our Korean souvenirs. We couldn't wait for 2pm.

*******

At 1:45, we left to walk the 2 blocks to the H01t Korea office. This would be the last block we would walk as a mere couple.  The last door we would walk through.

When we arrived, Munchkin was in one of the ground-level playrooms with his foster mother and the social worker. It seemed like they were wrapping up some paperwork. We took final photos together. His foster mother gave us even more gifts - more outfits for Munchkin, all his favorite toys, and a music box.  Over the course of three days, she had given us so many gifts that I was profoundly embarrassed.   I wish I had brought more gifts for her.

His foster mother was so sad. Tears ran down her face, as she silently stroked Munchkin's cheeks and gave him final kisses. She was worried, and gave us lots of final instructions. Make sure we put cream under his knees.  He loves bath time. He needs a bottle in 1 hour, about 5 oz. He doesn't usually cry unless something is wrong.  Make sure we have umbrellas and a hat for Munchkin when we go to the airport on Sunday. Make sure he is bundled up when we go outside.   She cried. I cried.

And then T, who had been out of the room during this entire exchange to pay the bill for the Guesthouse, came back.  He did not realize the emotional scene he walked in on.  He immediately put on the baby carrier that H01t gave us and then put out his hands to pick up Munchkin. The foster mother handed him over reluctantly, and T dropped him into the carrier.

"T, what are you doing?  She isn't ready yet. She hadn't finished saying goodbye!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was time."

T awkwardly tried to give the baby back to hos foster mother for her to hold and snuggle with for just a few more minutes. But it was too late. Too awkward.  She refused. The foster mother stroked Munchkin's cheek one last time. You could then see her gather her resolve; she clearly wanted to stay, but instead she took one last look, said final goodbyes to us,  and then turned and walked out of the H01t office. She did not look back.

It was heartbreaking.  I could feel nothing but her pain and her loss. And that feeling stayed with me the rest of the day.  While I was mentally happy to have Munchkin in my arms, my heart felt sick. I felt so guilty, so sad for the foster mother, and so sad for the birth parents. They all lost so much so that T and I could gain.  Did Munchkin feel lost too?  Was his heart breaking too? 

What I thought would be THE happiest moment, the happiest day was not.  Why wasn't I overjoyed? Did this mean I shouldn't have adopted Munchkin?  Had I made a huge mistake?

Comments

[Bonnie]

Tears are streaming down my face reading this. I'm so happy for you while feeling so bad for the foster mother all at the same time.

[lucky#2]

What a bittersweet day!

Munchkin has been loved by so many different people already...his mother who carried him, two foster mothers who obviously adored him and now you and your husband. What a lucky little boy to have known SO much love in such a short time and to finally be in a home full of endless love FOREVER.

[MichelleL]

What you describe IS adoption. Loss-gain-change all around. A lot like life -- on second thought, it IS life. You just go on hoping and believing that the change is for the better.

Thank you for sharing you and your son's special day.

[millie]

Munchkin is a very lucky boy to have so many wonderful people care about him so much. How nice that you could spend so much time with the foster mother and she could share so much with you! As bittersweet as that was, I think it's an amazing gift you all received because you did get to connect. And she now knows how much you love Munchkin and how grateful you are to her. I'm so sad thinking about the foster and adoptive parents that don't get to share that experience.

This is also a great gift to Munchkin. He'll know so much more about his early time.

And he clearly loves you so much. Seeing the two of you together gives me a little bit of right to say you definitely did not make a mistake. He's a happy, happy boy.

[Lisa]

Thanks for letting the foster mom say goodbye. Everyone thinks we are not supposed to get attached, but as I foster parent, I love every child that comes into my home like my own. I hope when my youngest goes home, her bio parents give me time to say goodbye.

[Lut C.]

What an emotional day!

[DL]

You paint such a complete word picture that I feel like I am in the room with you, tears streaming down my face. Bless that foster mother!

Just think, she is now free to lavish that kind of love on another child in that bureaucratic holding pattern, awaiting his forever family to get through the red tape and bring him home.

Don't know if you noticed, but you let T's name slip above. Don't know if you can edit out the other letters of his name or if complete anonymity is essential to you on this blog.

I don't even know you and live almost a continent away, but I am captivated by your story.

[Tonya]

Yours is a riveting description of such a highly-emotional day. I am in tears just visualizing how sad Munchkin's foster mom was, but at the same time, it is comforting to know just how very much love this child has experienced-- and will always have as part of your family. I am eager to hear more as your time permits.

[Denise]

Oh, I think about that all the time. My older son was his foster mother's first foster child. It must have been so hard for her to say good-bye. I'll bet it doesn't get any easier with repetition, but at least Munchkin's foster family will have another baby to care for soon.

[robin]

Honestly, this post illustrates so clearly why you should be an adoptive mother. You already understand your child in such an intimate way that many others won’t even consider. Your boy is so lucky to have you and all of the other people who loved him. As an adopted child I have always felt a certain loss, but you seem so tuned into it and that makes me feel warm inside knowing that there are people out there who are so equipped to really deal with the emotions of a child who is being adopted. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story.

[Kath]

Dear Susan, I can't even tell you how happy I am for you. And while I am sad for the foster mother, I am so glad that Munchkin has had so much love. May the rest of his life and yours be filled to overflowing with it.

[Megan]

What a bittersweet day. I'm blinking back tears as I type this, I can only imagine how you all must have felt.

I agree with so many of the other commenters when they say that Munchkin is so lucky to have a Mama like you.

[Ergo Baby Carrier]

I think it's an amazing gift you all received because you did get to connect. And she now knows how much you love Munchkin and how grateful you are to her.