Finally Arrived

Help? Looking for a New Agency for Korea Adoption #2

Hi - It's been almost 2 years since I last posted.  

So the quick update is that The Munchkin is now over 3.5 years old.  He is absolutely adorable and the joy of my life. I cannot believe how blessed I am - he is truly the best thing to happen to both me and my husband.

And now we are ready to adopt a second.  And we want to adopt from Korea again.  But alas, Holt, our old agency (which I LOVED) has closed their standard (non-waiting child) program to all who are not Korean or Korean American.

So, now we have to find a new agency.

Do any of you have any recommendations for adoption agencies that can help us adopt from Korea - boy or girl, not a waiting child - from within California?

Thanks,

Susan

Best Christmas Present Ever

Holy S#$%!

We received our referral!

It's a....

It's a...

It's a BOY! 

And a big boy too, especially by Korean standards - almost 8 lbs at birth!  He is now 9 weeks old!

WOW!!!!!!!!  So effing happy!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god. I need to go throw up now.

Employers with Adoption Benefits

A few weeks ago, I met with my company's HR department to lobby for adoption benefits.  And, much to my delight, the discussion was very positive. The head of HR is going to actively lobby the CEO and CFO for an adoption expense reimbursement benefit as well as a small amount of paid leave for the "primary caretaker" of an adopted child. 

The thing that swayed her was all the information I presented to her about other high tech companies who offer these benefits.  So, I thank you all from the bottom of my hearts for answering my requests.

I had promised to compile and post the information you emailed.  So, for those of you looking for information on high tech and San Francisco Bay Area employers that offer adoption benefits, first check out the comments on this post, and second refer to the information below:

(And feel free to correct any information in the comments!)

Resources To Lobby for Adoption Benefits

• Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption - The foundation sponsors the "Adoption-Friendly Workplace" initiative - the goal of which is to get more companies to provide benefits for adoptive families. From their website, I ordered a free "kit" that contained nearly everything I needed to lobby my employer for benefits: a sample proposal I could fill in and submit to the HR dept, sample wording HR could use to describe the policy, sample forms employees could use to claim the benefits, and a large list of employers offering adoption benefits.  My HR director was WOWed by all this. Only downside is I think the list of employers is somewhat dated (thus I asked for all your help).
• August 31, 2006 New York Times - "Breaking the Biology Barrier - Adoptive Parents Want Benefits, and Companies are Listening"  (Subscription required)
• Monster.com's article: Know Your Adoption Benefits
• Adoption Solutions
• http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m3495/is_10_50/ai_n15791954
• http://naic.acf.hhs.gov/pubs/f_benefi.pdf

High Tech Companies Offering Adoption Benefits

• Cisco - $2500 adoption expenses subsidy.
• Ebay - $5000 adoption expense reimbursement per adoption, 12 week maternity leave (unclear if paid/not)
• Electronic Arts  - reimburses $3500 for adoption related expenses per adoption, and has a fairly generous leave policy (unsure exactly what the leave is, but it is more than just FMLA).
• Google -  adoption expense reimbursement up to $5000, plus parental leave and ability to use paid time off (vacation/sick equivalent).
• Hewlett Packard: Not sure of the current actual amount but a fairly high reimbursement + long leave + job sharing for years without putting folks on the mommy track.
• IBM - 2 weeks paid, $2500 adoption expense reimbursement.
• Lucas Arts - has benefit, details unknown
• Microsoft - $5000 adoption expense reimbursement per child.
• Microstrategy - has benefit, details unknown
• Pixar / Disney - has benefit, details unknown
• SAS - $4000 adoption expense reimbursement, plus 4 weeks paid leave.  See this article.
• Sony - has benefit, details unknown
• Sun Microsystems -  $3,475 per adoption expense reimbursement.
• Time Warner - adoption expense reimbursement up to $5000 (which is the max they will pay out for pregnancy / childbirth coverage)
• Yahoo! - I received contradictory information here as to whether Yahoo provides any assistance. One poster said yes, another said no.

Companies outside High Tech

• Charles Schwab - Can use paid time off (vacation/sick) toward adoption plus $2000 per child adoption expense reimbursement.
• Booz Allen Hamilton - (sorry, no specifics)
• UPS - adoption expense reimbursement - arouind $3000 per adoption.
• Texron - $5000 adoption expense reimbursement for select employees.
• Bank of America  - (sorry, no specifics)
• Duke University - 3 weeks 100% paid leave, plus able to use 3 weeks vacation/sick, plus 12 weeks unpaid FMLA.

Another Non-Update

My God, what are you people doing here?  This the most boring blog.  On this blog, NOTHING EVER HAPPENS.  The blog author (me) just waits for months and months and months to start her family.  At this point, I can't even bore you with the minutiae of my fingerprinting appointments or efforts to hang fire extinguishers in the kitchen. All these things are done.   Could time pass more slowly? I think not.

I guess I should be buying baby gear.  But you know what? I can't bring myself to do it yet. I had nearly finished a short list of cribs, but then I received more official word that the Korean Government is making some major changes to their international program - most notably that the kids will be much older at referral time.  And the wait times are now longer. The agencies haven't sorted out all the changes yet, so there could be even more changes that affect us. 

When I read about the program changes on my Blackberry while at the airport last week, I just started crying. In public.

At that moment, I acutely remembered (I had almost forgotten, believe it or not) the hopelessness despair of the last four years, revived each month as yet-another-cycle failed or -- worse -- landed me in the hospital.

So now I am back in Doubtville, uncertain whether this will ever happen. Upset that this is not going smoothly. Hell, we DESERVE a smooth process after all the shit we've been through. It's so effing unfair.  Every time I hear about someone having an easy time conceiving, an easy pregnancy, an easy labor and delivery, I just want to punch something.  Or at least go over to them and say something horrific so that they appreciate how FUCKING LUCKY they are. 

(Don't worry. I never do.)

If I hear any more people talk about the ideal spacing between children, I swear...oh boy, watch out.  Their ARROGANCE in assuming that the freakin' planets are going to align on schedule just for them! It just PISSES me OFF to no end!   I'm a total effing bitch, so part of me thinks these asshats deserve to be punished just for saying such things - why can't the Universe screw with THOSE fuckwads now and then instead of us. We've done our time. Believe me, after all this crap that life has thrown us, I am not so arrogant as to assume that ANYTHING is ever going to work out. 

Yes, Universe, I've learned my lesson.  I will make no more short lists of cribs. Consider me punished. You're the boss, totally. I'm just an incompetent, powerless, pathetic loser who is completely at your mercy. Yes, I am your bitch. Just bend me over a chair anytime you want. Bitchslap me  on a whim for your cheap laughs and amusement. You must be having a grand fucking time with all this. Believe me, I get the message, I do.

Resolve's Bay Area Adoption Conference

Attention all ye who live in the San Francisco Bay Area:

Resolve of Northern California is putting on their annual Pathways to Adoption Conference on Saturday, April 22, at Stanford University.

I went last year and learned so much. The sessions have something for everyone, from those just starting to think about adoption through those who are currently parenting adopted children.  I highly recommend it. 

I will be attending again this year, hanging out in the parenting classes.

If you think you might attend, let me know. I'd love to have someone to eat lunch with!

A post in which I apologize to Manuela and reveal my Adoption Guilt

Well, it had to happen, I guess.  And it was my own doing so I can't complain. I've been blogging just over a year and only just now have I started receiving nasty-grams.

So, I have this to say:

1) If you don't want to read my blog, that's fine with me. Don't do it. It will not offend me.  Especially if reading my blog causes you emotional distress. I do not want that for you.

2) I am so sorry that I hurt Manuela's feelings, because she is truly delightful, so funny and intelligent, an amazing writer, and just so open and out there.  Her blog is one of the best.  It is. And I am so truly am sorry that I hurt her. Yesterday I read an email from her about it, where she explained how hurt she was, and I started crying. 

It was stupid of me to post that I couldn't read her blog anymore without telling her why or offering up an explanation.  I'm a jackass, and I don't know what more to say about it.

My only excuse is that I did not realize that she would find it so hurtful. I thought she'd know  why it is so difficult for me to read her blog.  I thought she'd understand that it wasn't a personal thing against her, but was more my problem stemming from my own circumstances.

------

That said, here's a half-assed explanation of why I find it difficult to read Manuela's blog. (I have tried many times in the past week to write down a fuller explanation, but it is so difficult for me to properly express. One day, I will post something better.)

When you're well into advanced infertility treatment, and have tried for YEARS to get pregnant, it is painful to read blogs by pregnant women, even if they suffered long and hard to achieve that pregnancy.  Even if those women are amazing writers and amazing people.

For me, a person who is now committed to and embroiled in the adoption process, it is similarly difficult for me to read Manuela's blog because she writes about how dissatisfying, how wrong even, the adoption process can be for the adoptee and the birth family.  I also find it difficult to read, at least for now, many other insightful blogs by adoptees and birth parents for the same reason.

The idea that my child will be somehow permanently damaged just by virtue of having been adopted, and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it... well, it is so painful that I feel physically distressed when I think about it. 

The idea that the biological bond between mother and child is the most important of all the bonds, that adoptive parenting is second-rate... again, it makes my stomach quiver.  It is not something that I had ever considered before reading these blogs. I've always felt certain that I would love an adopted child as much as I love a biological child, so it had never occurred to me that the child might not love an adoptive parent as much as his/her bio parents (provided the bio parents also raised him/her), that something would always be missing for the child, until I read these blogs.

I know that I need to come to grips with all this. I must read these blogs and learn these stories.  It is my best chance to prevent my child from suffering in the same ways.  These blogs will help me become a better parent.  They will help me conduct this adoption in the most ethical way possible.  For these reasons, I've read so many of these blogs voraciously in the past, and I promise I will again. 

But for now, for the next few months, I've decided that it is OK for me to take a break.  I've been so wracked with guilt about the whole institution of adoption, about its inherent injustices and its racial, societal, and political implications. I've felt like such a horrible person for wanting to adopt that I've sufferred insomnia. I've found it difficult to accept simple "congratulations, that's wonderful!" sentiments from friends without going into a long diatribe about how adoption is actually not wonderful because it contributes to societal ills as hideous as human trafficking, subjugating women to a permanent underclass worldwide, and institutionalizing racism.

I find I get lost in the greater, global issues surrounding adoption. Only when I focus on the micro-level -- that T and I very much want a child, there are kids that need parents right now, and basically nothing could happen in the world that will change that in the next 2 years -- can I feel I feel good about this path.  Otherwise I feel tremendous guilt.

I need to snap out of this. I will be a better parent if I develop some more emotional strength, and more confidence that our adopting is the best thing for the child, the birth family, and us (at least given the constraint's of our and Korea's imperfect societies).  I need to focus on the positive side of adoption, for at least a few months; that is why I cannot read these blogs for the time being.  But if you have not checked them out, I encourage you because they are educational and insightful.

Birth Mothers I Have Met

Here's my abridged version of the comments over at Julie's blog last week.

"Birth mothers want Barbie and Ken. They want adoptive parents who are  young, thin, and good-looking. And they want ponies! Plus a big house in the suburbs and a vacation home on the beach. And a stay-at-home mom. They don't want to do trans-racial adoptions if they can help it. And birth moms are extremely religious, so they want religious adoptive parents. If you're an atheist you have no chance. And they prefer adoptive parents who look fabulous without makeup and don't mind kissing pigs."

So, just to join in, let me list the things that make me and T unattractive to the stereotypical domestic birth mother:

• I'd be a working mom, just as my mom was.  Daycare is in our kids' future.
• We practice no religion, definitely don't believe in Jesus, and at this point I am a border-line atheist.
• We're an interracial Asian-Caucasian couple, and very few kids placed for adoption have this racial mix. 

Underlying my list, though, are damaging, unfair assumptions about women who place their children for adoption.  Stereotypes that I now know are wrong, based on birth mothers I have met in person and online:

Erroneous Stereotype #1  that I held about Birth Mothers: Birth mothers are Holy Rollers, Christian Extremists who say things like 'Praise be' and 'God willing' after every sentence. Because if they weren't extremely Christian, then they would have had abortions instead of giving birth.

Note that I made this erroneous conclusion because I know that if I had an unwanted pregnancy when I was younger, without a doubt I would have had an abortion.

Stereotypes I (still) hold about Christian Extremists, and therefore erroneously applied to Birth Mothers:

• Christian extremists believe there is only one suitable family structure for raising children: a two-parent, heterosexual family with a traditional stay-at-hom mom and bread-winning dad arrangement.
• Christian extremists think people who are not religious are derelicts, sinners on the Express Train for Hell.  Christian extremists believe their mission in life is to convert the non-religious.
• They are incredibly intolerant. They believe homosexuality is an abomination. They are racist and disapprove of my husband's and my interracial marriage. They're the people in the Bible Belt who mutter "chink" under their breath when encountering my husband.
• Christian extremists are against feminism and the notion that women are equal and have a right to control their own bodies. They think infertility treatment is disgusting.  They revile career women such as myself, and think the infertility is God's punishment for women who have the audacity to want both a career and children.
• Christan extremists vote for George W, and don't care that he's undermined what makes America special: the FREEDOM of our citizenry and the principle that ALL people (non-Christians, gays, minorities, and women too!) are created equal.
• Christian Extremists revile everything about ME: my left-leaning politics, my career ambitions, my belief in feminism and equal rights for all.

However, I have since learned the equation:
Birth Mother = Christian Extremist
does not hold. 

For me the pivotal experience was meeting three birth mothers and a birth father at a local adoption conference.

All of the birth parents present were true citizens of the San Francisco Bay Area. They were all liberal, left-leaning, and hated George W and intolerance of any kind. They were universally pro-choice.  They all believed that homosexuals should be allowed to marry and adopt, although they didn't necessarily choose homosexual adoptive parents for their children.  For all of them, a primary concern was picking adoptive parents that shared these values. They were as afraid of bible-thumping adoptive parents as I am of bible-thumping birth parents.

In short, they were my kind of birth parents: young women and men that I would love to philosophize with over a latte in a Berkeley coffee house or in my home; intelligent, caring people that I could actually consider making a permanent part of my family.

Since all of these birth mothers and the birth father were pro-choice, why did not they not get abortions? Well, none of them knew about the pregnancies until they were nearly 6 months a long!  And they all believed that 6 months was too late for abortion. One birth mother claimed she did not "know" for so long because she was overweight and in denial. Two others did not know because they used birth control methods (i.e. Seasonale) that limit menstrual periods to once every 3 months.  Both of these women were unconcerned when they each missed the first scheduled period at three months (apparently this is not uncommon), and then denial contributed to each not knowing until she missed the next period at 6 months.

Now granted, these birth mothers and father are probably no more typical than the stereotypical birth parent I previously held in my mind.  In fact, it could be that this type of birth parent only exists in the liberal Bay Area.  But I am comforted that birth parents like this exist at all.

In conclusion, I'm not as afraid of birth parents as I once was.  If we were to attempt domestic adoption, I think that birth parents with the same values, who would appreciate who T and I are and what we can offer a child, would eventually find us.  That one day, we would be picked.

But regardless, for this first child, I still choose international adoption. Infertility has weaked me and left me unable to deal with the disappointment of being matched to an potential birth mother who ultimately chooses to parent. While I strongly believe that potential birth mothers should have this choice, for I could never live with myself if I took a child from a woman who truly wanted to parent, at this point my heart is to fragile to engage in this type of process.

Perhaps in a few years I'll have healed and regained my strength. I hope. Perhaps we can try domestic adoption then, for our second child.

Maybe.

This Really Chaps My Hide

So, I'm making my foray into the online adoption community, and I find that I am struggling mightily to suppress my gag reflex.

What, pray tell, disgusts me so?  The forums, the listservs, the Yahoo! groups, etc.  Not the blogs.  Thank God for the blogs.

And WHY am I disgusted?  Because of the "Everything Happens for a Reason" people.  No matter what fuck-ups happen in the adoption process, no matter what incompetence people suffer at the hands of social workers, adoption agency staff, or government officials, some asshat always chimes in "Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this child isn't the one meant for you!"

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.  I gave up on "everything happens for a reason" after nearly dying TWICE from ruptured ectopic pregnancies.  Can you tell me what the REASONS were? Sometimes SHIT HAPPENS.  Sometimes people screw you over because they can or just don't care. Sometimes there is no "reason."

A REAL example from a listserv...

A biracial couple, one of whom was African American, wanted to adopt a specific waiting Korean child with albinism.  Then their agency tells them Korea won't allow African Americans to adopt! 

The situation enrages me on many levels: that I am about to engage in a fundamentally racist adoption process, that this type of overt racism still exists in the world.  It is wrong that I, as a Caucasian, am able to adopt from Korea when this couple cannot.  But I don't know what to do about it other than rant and rave on my blog.  Perhaps I should boycott Korea and adopt from another country.  I don't know.  But would that help change the situation? ARGH!

My heart goes out to this couple, yet I have no idea what to say that could possibly help.  But I do know that this dillhole's "advice" is not at all helpful:

"I guess that it just was not meant to be, and that your child is
somewhere out there and when the time is right it is going to happen."

Hey Dillhole, do you REALLY believe that?  That God uses RACISM as tool, to bring about "what is meant to be"?  In other words, the God you believe in is a racist?  Nice.