Finally Arrived

11 Signs You Have Done Too Many IVFs

1. The patient relations folks at Freedom Drug recognize you by voice.
2. Your RE asks you to assist with a consult for another patient.
3. Your employer sends out an all-hands bulletin, requesting egg donors on your behalf so that they can stop paying for your failed IVF cycles.
4. You order home pregnancy tests in increments of 10.
5. The veins on your arms and hands are so blown out, you have blood draws done from your neck, vampire style.
6. If you go a day without progesterone supplementation, you get the shakes.
7. You've had more miscarriages than periods in the past year.
8. Your clinic gives you a home ultrasound machine, asks you to do your own follicle counts.
9. Your vaginal wall has more needle holes than a heroin junky's left arm.
10. You've become an injection exhibitionist, having shot up from your plane seat, in the movie theater, and in the middle of company meetings.
11. At ultrasound exams, you don't hide your panties anymore. In fact, you don't use a lap-drape anymore either.

IUIs as Performance Art?

Uh... apparently some woman is going to get an IUI on stage, as part of David Copperfield's next magic show?

What's so magical about that?  All you get is the wet spot and none of the romance.

But how will they confirm that she was in fact impregnated, so that the audience can ooh and ahh?

IVF #3: Images of My Lazy Ass Follicles

My lead follicle, now measuring 17mm, is doing well.  It is reliable enough to hold a regular job, and shows up at the office on time every day.  It's working hard to do the right thing.  It looks like this:

The other follicles are total slackers, stalling out at 3 to 5 mm.  Those follicles are so enjoying that gonadotropin high and blissful relaxation that they can't be bothered to move off the couch and actually DO something constructive. They look like this:

Tau Phi Beta To-Do List

I lead a very busy life, you know. Between designing sorority lingerie, writing weighty Powerpoints, and whining, I can barely keep track of all the demands on my valuable time. So, I hope you'll excuse me if I make a list of the action items that resulted my last post's comments.

1. Make sure that Julianna does not sacrifice her tubes just to join TFP. It's not worth it! The operations SUCK. We'll give you a T-shirt anyway.
2. Along those lines, extend the Tau Phi Beta's membership charter to any and all infertiles who want to join. Infertility is tough enough. No need to make additional hurdles to achieving the ultimate happiness that is TFP membership. 
3. Make all Little Sister candidates eligible for full membership immediately. We could use the dues income.
4. Tell Wessel she is still free to start her rival sorority, KOE. We can have social mixers together!  And with our brother fraternity, Mu Phi. Yeah! (giggle giggle)
5. Consult with Dr. Google about any links between political leaning and whether a uni-tuber's remaining fallopian is on the left or right side.
6. Consult with Anna H. and up with some kind of sorority initiation ceremony to induct Kristie, Danielle, Suz, Katie, Penny, ovagirl, Millie, penelope, Simone, Lumi, and sue.  I wasn't sure if Julianna wanted to join; if so she is more than welcome.
7. Ask Wessel what the deal is with her "MAD SWINGIN' DOES THE WORK OF TWO tube." Is this some kind of Bionic Tube? Is she a member of the X-men and her Swingin' tube is her secret power?
8. Find a big, black marker so we can all draw PIO circles on our butts.  This can be one of our wacky secret traditions. We can do this instead of permanently adorning our bodies with Greek letter tattoos or brands.
9. Ask Lumi: What the heck is a Harry Buffalo?
10. Tell Millie that YES, Tau Phi Beta is definitely a left-of-center, loud-mouthed feminist BITCH sorority.  Because otherwise I could not be a member, or look at myself in the mirror for that matter. In fact, these liberal tendencies are exactly why I had to quit my first sorority, Eczema Krappa, after a mere year and a half.  In fact, I can't remember why I joined in the first place. Oh wait... it was to meet men. Yeah, that was it.  And it did work.
11. Paste Lumi's comments into my diary, so that one day it can hopefully lift me from one of my trademarked self-loathing spells.  And thanks to everyone for writing in - you all made my day! I LOVE MY SISTERS.

Confessions of an Infertile Sorority Chyck

I need a mental vacations from my barren, childless life. Because I have low self-esteem and am, in my heart, an irredeemable slut, I find myself daydreaming about my "glory days" as a college sorority girl.  Ah, how fondly I recall singing poetic songs declaring devotion to a random combination of Greek letters:

Eczema Krappa, I love you.
Eczema Krappa, I'll be true.
Eczema Krappas are well-to-do and proud,
Always demure and never too loud.

Singing was only part of the fun. I formed a special bond with my Big Sister, a pretty yet sadistic upperclassman. She would savagely whoop my ass with a wooden paddle, emblazoned with Eczema Krappa symbols, whenever I gained weight, flubbed up sorority song lyrics, or fooled around with a dormitory boy.

My sorority also freed me from the debilitating tedium of selecting my own clothing; four days out of five my wardrobe was dictated by the whims of the Eczema Krappa Sisterhood Committee. Not that I minded. The thrill of wearing my acid-washed, pink sweatshirt adorned with maroon Greek letters around campus! From the reactions of fraternity members, you'd think my bosom had grown two cup sizes and that I'd lost 6 inches from my waist.  Such is the reaction when displaying the equivalent of "I Suck Frat Boys" on one's clothing.

Anyway, this is an infertility blog, so you may be wondering how I'll tie such fond memories to my present crap-ass circumstances. Well, I plan to actually relive my sordid sorority past.

As some of you might know, A (wife of Baby Hungry Man) and I are starting a new mid-life sorority called Tau Phi Beta, also known as Tube Free Babes. To pledge, you must first be a Sizzlin' Hot Babe (or at least Gorgeous & Divine). Second, you must suffer from tubal infertility, either possessing blocked fallopians or missing a tube or two. If you have endured surgeries for these problems, we consider that hazing enough; you can bypass the brutal and humiliating pledge phase and be initiated as a full Sister immediately.

For those who do not meet this strict criteria, but who wish to pal around with The Sisters and assist with social mixers, you may join the "Tau Phi Little Sisters" auxiliary group. This program is unique in the Greek realm, in that "Littles" are not expected to mop the floors after ragin' keggers or be sexually available whenever Tau Phis want to experiment; merely commenting on Sisters' blogs will suffice.

A is busy working on the new Tau Phi secret handshake (also known as The Grip back in my Eczema Krappa days). As for me, I already described the premier benefit of sorority sisterhood: prancing about in garments donned with Greek insignia. So, I have started on some T-shirt designs. These are working drafts only, so let me know your suggestions.

First up we have a treat for the traditionalist: "TFB: Sterile and Sanitary" in back-to-basics white cotton, with long sleeves.  Ho, ho--"sterile"--get it?

Our second design is "TFB: No Boobs, No Tubes" on a baseball shirt. Please, only for the less endowed sorority Sisters, such as myself. The red sleeves symbolize Tau Phi Beta's bloody history, littered with ruptured ectopics and dysfunctional uterine bleeding.

The third T-shirt declares tubes the unnecessary accessory organ of the new millennium. Witness "TFB. Tubes: The New Appendix," on a slinky, short-sleeved T-shirt. Available in 100% cotton, in butter-cream yellow or chartreuse green.

Next up, replace those Grandma-esque "Period Panties" with 100% Tube-Free sorority knickers! For Sisters who still have their uterus, how about the "100% Tube Free: Yes, I still get my period" variation (only available in stain-hiding black)? For those with a hysterectomy, "100% Tube & Womb Free: No More Bloody Messes" is available in luscious petal pink.

Please excuse the manequin lingerie model for not exhibiting the laparoscopic/laparotomy scars shared by many of our Sisters. Our brother fraternities find the scars sexy - honest! Nevertheless, how I wish these were photos of my ass.  I'd even tolerate the plastic skin if my thighs didn't touch when standing with my feet apart.

Anway, later I will try to think of some designs for Little Sisters. Let me know your thoughts.

And let me know if you want to pledge (if so, please list your qualifications).

Until then, may you have sweet Tau Phi Beta dreams!

Hugs and Baby Dust (giggle giggle),
Sister Susan