Nesting Instinct or No?

OK, for those of you out there with both bio and adopted kids, can you tell me:

Is there a nesting instinct that kicks in for adoptive moms?  Or is this solely a biological phenomenon, brought on by pregnancy hormones?

Because my husband thinks I am officially nuts.  I've been obsessively working on home improvement projects since practically the moment we got our referral.  Except my projects are not of the traditional "I must sterilize this house so no germs touch my baby" variety. No, that would make too much sense.   

My compulsions are not around cleaning my dirty kitchen or even painting the nursery.  I am more than happy to let the dishes rot in the sink for yet another day. They are more around completing every single home improvement project that has ever occurred to me in the 5 years that I've lived in this house.   My compulsions are more of this variety: "I must tear this wall down NOW", "I must tile the floor in our home office", "I must add another circuit to the subpanel," and "I must get a shed in which to hang my garden tools."  And if I'm not frantically working on the project itself, I'm perusing the aisles of Lowes and Home Depot, or I'm researching how to do the next phase of the project on the Internet.  (Yes, my real job has suffered as a result of my obsession.)

Most of these projects have nothing to do with the baby.  They have more to do with just getting the house in order.  The way I always wanted it. 

I rationalize my home improvement obsession by telling myself it's because I don't want to be working on these projects once our son is home -- I want to concentrate just on him and not on hanging dry wall.  Or I delude myself by saying it's because I don't want him exposed to the nasty chemicals I use in these projects nor the dust I create. 

But the truth is, none of these reasons is really THE reason. I am doing these projects because I feel absolutely COMPELLED to do them. I feel like THEY MUST GET DONE before the baby comes home.  I feel a bit of panic at the thought of them NOT getting done.

But since (unlike pregnant women) there is no excess prolactin running around my body, WHY the compulsion?

My husband thinks I have totally flipped.  I am kind of annoyed at him because he has done precious little of the huge list of things that I perceive MUST get done before the baby gets home.  Things he promised to do, like get life insurance, set up a trust, etc...  He is actually a hindrance in helping will home improvement stuff, so I'd actually prefer he stay out of the way and just help me carry some of the heavy things.  But boy, I wish he would do some of the non- home improvement things. If it were even approaching 20% of the effort I am making I would be happier. (not HAPPY, just happiER).   

I mean, I'm the one who's done all our taxes, filed all our adoption paperwork, handled the eff-ups with US-CIS, lined up pre-adopt medical evals for our son, selected and purchased and assembled all the baby gear, signed us up for baby class, taken care of all the family and friend birthdays, done nearly all the household shopping, dealt with subcontractors, researched childcare, etc. 

He annoys me because I feel I am spending every moment to prepare for this huge thing.  I am almost panicking that it won't get done.  Yet, he seems totally unmotivated and I don't get this. I have motivation in spades but lack the time and some of the knowledge to accomplish everything on the list by myself. I wish he would WANT to help out a bit.

But my husband is right -- precious little of this "Must Do" list actually MUST get done before the baby gets home.  Really, the only thing we HAVE to do is buy presents for the Korean foster family and make travel arrangements once we get the call.  Oh, and get a pediatrician. And a pediatric cardiologist.  And line up yet another new day care since I just heard my company is going to move offices to a different city.  And finish up all my stuff at work.  And clean out all the boxes in the attic.  And have the front deck refinished, install new light fixtures throughout the house, steam clean all the upholstery, install a new medicine cabinet, buy new sheets, label all my photo albums, purge my closet of all my infertility-fat clothes, ....

Maybe I really AM crazy.

(Adoption Process Update: We've heard nothing more from anyone since US-CIS approved our I-600.  Now we just wait for the travel call, which could be in 2-3 weeks, or 2-3 months, or longer... who knows?)

Comments

[JennyK]

It's NOT just a pregnancy-hormone driven thing, since the one who experienced this "instinct" in our house was my husband. When we found out we were expecting our daughter, all of a sudden we NEEDED a new roof *now* (among other things).

I had no nesting feelings and wondered what the hell was wrong with me, but DH had enough for both of us -- though like yours, his was misdirected at completely non-baby-related tasks.

[judi]

You could be like me and think of every waking moment of every second "WHEN AM I GETTING THE CALL?" Better to have your mind on projects. I drove myself insane during the 5 month wait of referral to travel call.

[Denise]

Why the compulsion? Because soon you will have NO TIME to do any of this stuff. It's now or never, baby. Or, at least, now or five years from now.

You don't have to just sit around. You can obsessively haunt your agency's board to see the referral dates of the people who got travel calls this week and plot how long it will be before you are called. I actually was able to time the call pretty precisely with this information. It doesn't always go exactly in order, but in our case it did.

[Sharon]

I just came across your blog and can relate to so much that you are saying. Get all you need to get done now because there will never be time once a baby arrives in your home.
After 3 ectopics I was lucky to finally become a mother with IVF and just did a FET and am sitting thru the woes of the first few weeks ( 7wks pg). I am also a tubeless wonder and get those same comments about relaxing and it might happen. Some people just never get it I am not the Virgin Mary.
Best of luck with your adoption and INS. I have had my run ins with INS as well, they are the most imcompetant set of people that ever get paid!

[Amyesq]

Oh, my dear. It is definitely present with adoptive moms. You and I will probably be meeting our kids within a month or so of each other and I have been nesting like mad the past couple of weeks. I am not quite sure what relevance making sure all my Tupperware containers are properly labeled has to my future daughter but by God we CANNOT bring her into a house with mislabeled Tupperware!

I think it's because there is nothing else we CAN do right now.

[Jb]

do it NOW is all I can say - yes, get every last one of those projects done because once baby is here, you will work at glacial speed, and what would have taken you a week will take, oh, 4 to 6 months - seriously. We for various reasons did not do this, and now our son is 2 years old and we are close but it sucked having so much to do during his first two years. now we sit around and think, wow, that was really hard. so you go girl!! get it all done now!

[lucky#2]

Wonder Woman! That is hysterical and I picture you spinning around in circles with your gold lasso attacking the next project.

I think you may feel the pressure to do it now because you are looking at the potential 2-3 week window while your DH is probably thinking he has 2-3 months! I bet that when you actually get the travel call your DH will suddenly become SuperBuilder! (at least that was how my DH was -- he didn't kick it into gear until 2 weeks before I was due!)

I do remember though that all the things I worried about and nesting activities weren't even noticed when we actually got our daughter home! So, don't be too hard on yourself (or your DH) with all the projects!

[heleen]

I've never adopted a baby, but have adopted puppies and even had my nesting symptoms then! Strangely, when I was pregnant with my twins I couldn't drag myself away from the dog beds in the petshop?! Emotions and hormones and experiences and memories are all so closely connected an influencing each other. When I am in love I'd get severe cleaning urges. Anyway, I hope you get lots and lots done, cause it will take a while before you'll have your hands or head free for other thinngs then your bubb!

[amber]

Oh can I relate. My Dh seemed to think we had all the time in the world when I was in my 3T and I ended up doing most everything. I was and still am a bit pissed about that. I don't see why adopting would be any different. You are going to be a mommy.....must prepare...must have nice environment for child. You are correct...you have to do it now cuz once baby comes...no time... plus you'd rather be snuggling your baby than installing a new water heater. You are not crazy...you just have a razor sharp focus to get 5 years of home improvement projects done in 1 month. Not to paint with too broad a brush but the men-folk don't seem to have that type of drive for the home-making stuff.

[Karin Six]

Congratulations!!! I really think you should write a book about all your experiences. You are a GREAT writer!! I really enjoyed reading and felt everything you are going thru... We are thinking of foster parenting soon as our way out of our childless circumstances.

A co-traveler in infertility,

Karin

[Kristi]

I am a mother of one biological daughter and one adopted daughter and I experienced the nesting instinct just as much with adoption! It is my opinion that this God given instinct kicks into overdrive when we are about to encounter major change in our lives. I just started my own business as a life coach and before I took this major step I felt a strong desire to clean every closet and drawer in my house! As women we should celebrate all that we can accomplish with this amazing surge of energy that accompanies lifes transitions and our need to create a nest that sustains us and our families through them.

[Cara Fletcher]

We all love to make home improvements because we want our houses to look more cosier and to feel comfortable in them.This is really a nesting instinct.