Finally Arrived

Thank you - The Real Last Post

Hello,

I just realized that I have been quite remiss.  My last two posts answered any last-minute questions prior to my closing down this blog.  BUT I very inappropriately forgot to give a proper goodbye and to say thank you.

Mea culpa. What a wretch I am.

Thank you, all my friends, for all your unfailing support the last two plus years.  I feel so privileged and so lucky to have found this wonderful online community of smart, thoughtful, funny, gorgeous women (and the occasional man) who were walking the same path as I, have the same difficulties and challenges.

I seriously don't know how I would have made it without you.  At times, I felt so low that I did not think I could keep up the pursuit for a family.  During those dark times, you gave me strength and hope. I am certain I would not be holding my Munchkin today without you.

And in response to the comments you all left for me, I thank you so much for your sweet goodbyes. I had no idea that so many of you had been following our journey and at the same time found something to help you in your own story.  I am so blown away by that.  It means a TON to me to know that I made any kind of difference out there.

Thanks again. Thanks for reading. Thanks for writing. Thanks for your love, support, and wisdom. I've learned so much from all of you, most of all that I am not alone and to not be so freakin' judgmental.

I wish I could say something wise and promising to you about how the struggle makes you a better person and how you'll be a better mother because of it. But I don't really think that's true. 

And I can't say that often trotted out pearl of wisdom you'll hear at infertility and adoption conferences, "If you keep trying hard enough and are open to all the options, you will one day be a family." Because I don't think that's true either. Unfortunately, some of us will not ever have children. For some of us, infertility will strain our marriages to the breaking point. For some of us, no treatment will work, and due to health problems in our past or present we will not be allowed to adopt.  For some of us, our status as single people, lesbians or gays  will make it exceedingly difficult - maybe impossible - to find the right situation. For some of us, our financial circumstances will prevent us from putting our extra large hearts to work by parenting a precious child.

I can say this, though. I hope, from the core of my being, that every single one of of you finds your  happy ending.  More than anything I hope this.  I wish it every time I see a shooting star or have the opportunity to blow out candles. You've all been in my thoughts so often these past two years.

I'll wrap with the Irish blessing that my Grandma often recited:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again,
May the Lord Universe hold you in the palm of His  its hand.

 

Final Post (Part 2) - Questions Answered

I was wondering what you have done/plan to do to expose Munchkin to his culture of origin and other cultures in general?

I am taking the lead from my husband, T, on this issue.  He is Japanese American and grew up in an almost exclusively Caucasian area. So, he has some good perspective on this issue.  He believes we should give lots of opportunities for Munchkin to learn about Korea, Japan, and Ireland (my background).  But that if Munchkin is not interested, then we should not force it.

Also, fortunately, we live in the racially diverse San Francisco Bay Area.  I work in a company that is 60% Asian.  Fully half of the adults in our social circle are Asian.  Of the 7 or 8 couples we hang out with on a regular basis, two are Korean couples with boys just a little older than Munchkin.  So, we've already been to a few Baek-Il (100 day) and Tol (1 year birthday) celebrations, so hopefully our friends will coach us through these milestones. 

In short, I hope Munchkin will not feel out of place because of his race, at least in his hometown.  I have no doubt, though, that he will encounter racism in his life, and I hope that T and I are able to equip him with the strength to deal with it.

Will we have any contact with Munchkin's birth parents? 
We asked for contact in our homestudy, but I think the reality is that H01t Korea really does not "get" the open adoption concept.   Their default policies and assumptions is that everyone wants a super-closed adoption. I think a Korean birth mother would have to REALLY, REALLY fight for an open adoption.  We were unable to fight for this contact because his birth parents were out of the picture for over 2 months prior to our receiving a referral, and frankly, we did not want to start a conflict with H01t Korea while we were still in-process.

H01t Korea (which, just to clarify, is NOT Holt International, our US-based agency) is so "closed" oriented that they don't even want us to contact his foster family.  They tried to prevent us from exchanging our real names or other contact information.   Apparently, it is against their policy for us to have direct contact.  They do not know, however, that the foster family slipped us their email address inside one of the gifts they gave us.

I am debating whether to contact the foster family directly or not.  I'd love to send them links to all the online photo albums of Munchkin, something that would be impossible to do in the one "approved" form of communication with the foster family -- the paper letter, forwarded by the agency, with no attachments, no CDs, no supplemental material.  Since we are planning to adopt again with H01t, I am thinking we should not risk violating their policies.

I worry about the very angry Korean adult adoptees and the way they feel about their adoptions. Have you read any of that? How do you feel about it? Has it made any changes in how you expect to parent your son?
I have indeed read the words of angry Korean adoptees. In fact, I am good friends with a formerly angry Korean adoptee.  One thing that makes me less worried is that he and my husband have bonded over their parallel childhood experiences, since both grew up as one of few Asians in primarily Caucasian areas.   And those experiences are the ones that made my friend so angry.  In short, our friend concluded that he was angry because he grew up as a rare minority and lived with a family that essentially denied the existence of the racism he experienced, not because of adoption per se. 

Now, I know that my friend might not be typical.  And that other Korean adoptees are angry about other pieces of the adoption experience. But still, his "former" anger gives me hope.  I hope that growing up in a very racially diverse area with an Asian parent and plenty of Koreans in our social circle will help Munchkin grow up without those experiences.

That's not to say that Munchkin won't one day be angry at us and the world.  He most certainly will be one day, as all adolescents are.  I will not be surprised if he blames his adolescent angst on his adoption, not realizing that if he were not adopted he'd find something else to blame.

The fact is, Munchkin needed parents as much as we needed a child. Korea's culture and societal attitudes made it impossible for Munchkin's birth mother to raise him herself.  We had nothing to do with the formation of those attitudes.  In fact, nothing would make me prouder than if Munchkin one day returned to Korea and worked to eliminate the entrenched sexism in that culture that prevents women from from holding decent-paying jobs or making their own decisions about their own children.

Furthermore, one of the reasons we adopted internationally instead of domestically is that a woman would not feel coerced to relinquish her child to us because she was trying to help us or please us.  We wanted the relinquishment decision to be done before we even came on the scene.  I simply could not live with myself if I thought that somehow I had any part in forcing a mother to part with a child she wanted to parent.

Where did you hear about first moms being holy rollers? 
Honestly, I cannot remember where I heard that. Someone told it to me and I have no idea if it is true or not.  But it does make some sense to me. I think that when confronted with an unwanted pregnancy, women who are religious are more likely to go through with the pregnancy and place the child for adoption instead of having an abortion.

Final Post (Part 1) - Questions Answered

Final post.... Answers to your questions from my previous post.

Will I post again with occasional updates?
Well, that's not the plan, but I suppose it's possible I'll feel like it.  If I do, it'll be on this site with the same RSS feed.  No promises.

How do I like being a mom?
I love it. Munchkin is so good natured, constantly smiling.  But I have to admit that I don't really enjoy being a SAHM.  I enjoy Munchkin and am such a better parent if I am not tethered to him all day and night. Furthermore, Munchkin just lights up when he is with other kids.  So, when I return to work in July, Munchkin will start with a wonderful family daycare.

Is your family complete now?
No, I am finding parenthood to be so much fun that I really want to adopt another. 

Notice I said "adopt" another.  There is absolutely no way that I will pursue infertility treatment for a second.  Even though, through this blog, I've heard of a few possibilities for donor eggs or donor embryos.  And, in fact, on the WAY to KOREA my husband was even saying that he'd want to try for a second via treatment.  But we've been so freakin' delighted with the way that this has all turned out that we will definitely be adopting again. 

Most likely, we will try to adopt from Korea again, starting the process as soon as early 2008.  We were so impressed with the great care Munchkin received there that it makes the decision easy.

So has this whole experience restored your faith in God?  How has it affected your spirituality?

5 years ago, before all this infertility crap, I believed in God, at least as a force in the universe, if not the way any organized religion defines God. 

But you know what, I DON'T believe in God or any greater force anymore, even though I actually WANT to.  Especially because (thus far) everything has turned out so well, I want to believe it was fate or part of some master plan that we be united with Munchkin. 

Truth be told, I think it was all just random.  It was random, crappy odds that I had 6 distinct infertility diagnoses.  And even more random, more crappy odds that I'd suffer two ectopics which would both rupture and require emergency surgery.  And random, though wonderful odds, that we would be matched with Munchkin, an absolutely wonderful baby who fits into our family perfectly. I cannot imagine conceiving or giving birth to a more perfect baby. 

So, no more God for me.

Note that I've been religion-free for much longer, since age 20 or so.  Mainly because virtually every religion out there is just plain old sexist or elitist.  As far as any religion that claims they are the only valid one, well I think that is a bunch of crap; if God is perfect, as most of these religions profess, then he'd be open-minded and forgiving, rewarding good intentions over the semantics of religious ceremonies.  Anyway, I could rant about this for hours.  So I will be responsible and stop this discussion right here.